Today I Showed My Anger

It's not often that I have true anger.
When I do it's not often that I show my anger
to anyone.
Today was not the case. Today was a day of
showing my anger.
I have been with Annie here in Georgia since
April 1999. From the very beginning we began
to raise the kids together. I was one of their
Mothers. I became Momma Jan.

Annie and I sat on too many occasions to count
and had talks with John. We talked about him not
doing his best, his need to make better grades,
to learn to do projects with our help. Many things
we discussed over the past 6 years to try and help
John become a man.
Annie gave him an ultimatum about a month ago. John
get a part time job by the day school starts on
August 4th or you have to move out. He agreed to
this. This was in hopes that he would get himself
together and get a job. Over the summer he would
put in one application and sit and wait on that
place to call and offer him a job. John, it does not
work that way....You must put in multiple applications
and then call them to check on your application.
Multiple, Multiple conversations to no avail.

The past few days Annie has been very upset. I have
given my son a time limit to which he has done nothing
about and now I have to kick him out of my house...I can see
that it's killing her, ripping her apart. Just the
thought of putting her (our) son out of our house
is more than either of us can handle right now.

So, today I blew. I yelled, I cursed and screamed at him. I
told him no more coddling. Told him I ( we) have had it. You
do nothing until given an ultimatum.....Then it's last minute
go out and find a job....Do it now before I get kicked out.
I let him know I was finished with these conversations.
We do not want him out of the house until he is ready to
leave and not by force of not being who we know he
can become.
It's time for him to move from his 12 year old self
into his almost 20 year old body. At night when he
goes out with friends until 4am he is a man and somehow
when he returns he again becomes 12.

I feel like this huge failure to him. God, I tried to teach him
things. He knows true love now between his Mother and I as he
had never seen before. John was raised by his Mother to
treat everyone as his equal, no color, taught not to judge,
handicap people are no different, no one is different than you.
You can be whom ever you want, bright, intelligent, handsome...
With the prettiest blue eyes ever.

I hope he gets it....I hope he understands.
We have given our all. It is now up to John!!

Jimmy and Willie........Two

Today is a day of being thankful.
Thankful for family and friends.
Thankful that Katie is alive and well.
Thankful that the truth came out about
the event of last night.

Also a day of remembrance.
A remembrance of those we love,
past, present and future.

Jimmy and Willie....Two

After many years of every kind of abuse,
my Mom left my dad. She rented a mobile
home. We worked there fixing the place up.
I was in high school, worked and had a car.
My brother and sister had already moved out.
She left for work one morning and I decided not
to attend school that day. I needed a day for me.
I didn't go anywhere or do anything. I stayed there
alone and depressed at our loss. A loss that had
occurred many years prior. A loss of a dad that I
never really knew.
A dad that the world, his friends and everyone but us
thought was a loving, kind, gentle soul. He would
give anyone the shirt off his back if needed.
Anyone but the ones he was supposed to love the most.

After a week of being there while I was at church
one Wednesday night, he showed up. Begging for us to
come home. I will change, I will be a better dad,
better husband. I was 15 confused, terrified and gave in.
I talked my Mom into going back.

Life was better for a short time. Had I only known
all the facts. My Mom hid most of the facts very well.
One night Mom, my sister and I were going out to eat
in a nearby town. On the way we saw my dads car on
the side of the road....state patrol there as well.
Well, nothing good could come out of this.
In the back seat was my dad and a woman. Both drunk,
her kissing all over him.
Mom and my sister refused to go to the car.
The officer said that if we would drive him
home he would not press charges. I agreed.
Now as an adult I wish I had not.

I drove the woman home and then took my
drunk father home. I dumped him off on our
front porch and told him to make his own
way into the house. We then left him there
and continued to dinner.

I believe this is the point when I realized
what this man was and had been doing all
these years. I never helped him get out of the
car drunk again and into the house. If he could
not get in the house he sat outside until sober
enough to do so on his own.

One night he slapped my Mom while I was at home.
She did not say a word. As I got out of my chair
I heard the second slap. I yelled at him to stop
as I made my way into my bedroom and got my softball
bat. I held it high as if to hit a ball and told
him if he hit her again now or ever that I would kill
him. This made him more angry. He got one of his guns
and threatened us. I grabbed Mom and out the door to
a neighbors house...a friend of his.
He went over and calmed him down, took the gun and
all others out of the house.

We did go back later that night. He left to go finish
getting more drunk. Days later he returned and spoke
not a word.

Not long after all the family was home. Parents,
3 kids and my Mom's Mom. Dad decided we all needed
to eat out together. My brother did not want to go.
Dad said you should go son, this will be the last time we
are all together. This turned out to be true.
In January 1979 he died in a car wreck. 4 tenths of
a mile from home. At 2am a knock on the door, my first
words....Well, where is he this time?
Janet, your dad has been killed in a car wreck
just up the road. We wanted to go, tried to go.
No one would let us.

A sadness, a relief. Loss of a dad but, not a
father. Very few times was he actually a
father.

I don't think my Mom knew what to feel or
how to react. She was shocked.

He was driving 90 miles an hour when he wrecked.
This is something he never did. 45 was his top speed.
One car, left the road hit a tiling in front of
his aunts house. The car went 150 feet in one direction
and his body went 150 feet opposite. Very little
blood, hardly any at all. Very odd.
This was a total surprise...he had not been drinking.
No alcohol in his blood.

Ruled an accident by the coroner.

Two weeks later we found out he had told my
aunt her was having chest pain. Now this
explained the lack of blood loss. They
believe he had a massive heart attack. I agree
and think he was trying to get home.
It also explained the desire to eat out with the
entire family. And, his statement this will be the last
time we are all together. 47 years old....death
at his own hands....too damn stubborn to seek
help.

I know this may sound bad but, there was
and is love in my heart for my dad.
There were good times in our family.
Times when at home and sober. We occasionally
saw the kind, gentle man.
He taught me how to fish and hunt.
How to drive and care for a car. He
just never taught me how to care
for another human. Never taught me how
to love, to be a friend, or to be his daughter.

I told him once when he said I would never
amount to anything. One day I will show you,
I will prove you wrong. I hate he did not live long
enough to see. I am sure he knows...I was right.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

You never know what you are going to get.
That's the same way with the game of life.
One day it's all good, the next it just sucks.
I must say I have had many, many more good
days than bad.
I love life and I love my life. I truly
believe there is a difference in the two.

There are multiple things in which I have to
be grateful for. Not the house, the car, or
any other personal belongings but, the things
in life than make me happy. The things that
make me get out of bed every day.
The things that make me happy to be alive.

Love is first on my list.
The love recieved and given by Annie.
The love recieved and given by our children.
The love recieved and given by our pets.
The love for all of my family.

Friends:
I have some of the best friends ever.
Some I see almost daily, some rarely and some
I have never met. They are all equally important.

Lifestyle:
I would not trade my lifestyle for any other
or with any one. I am in the lifestyle I am
meant to be in and with whom I am meant to be.

Home:
Not a house....but a home. Filled with love,
with excitement, daily happenings. Plain and
simple truth, we are family here....just as
any other.

Work:
Totally enjoy my work and do not want to do anything
else. I have been a nurse since 1983 and have no
desire to do or be anything else. Not saying that some
days it totally sucks but, for the most part it's
wonderful....but only ER please.

Play:
Some of you may find this odd and some may find
it funny. Annie and I love playstation games.
This is how we spend our spare time. It's a great
way to unwind, relax and spend time together.
We laugh, we get angry at the silly game that
sometimes we can not seem to master knowing that
a child would have already blasted through....
We do eventually get there, as we did last night.
We stopped playing last night at 3:00am, a quick mail check
and off to bed. Up to a new day of adventures
in the tribe of us.

The Life and Times

Whew, where do I start?
First, Annie has a doctors appointment
this week. She has not felt well for quite some
time. Difficulty breathing, swollen feet mostly
the left, chest pain and pressure, tired with no
energy.
I called our doctors office to make her an
appointment with another doctor in the group
as we do not like the one we had been using.
The receptionist informed me we could not
change doctors within the group....what the crap!!
I told her ok I would just get a new doctor and
I hung up the phone...thanks...NOT.
Another doctor highly recommended appointment made
for this week.
We have talked in detail of making changes in
our lives ie. more healthy eating, decrease in
smoking.
My love for her is there always has been and
always will be. I will be here for her through
it all, thick and thin. Through sickness and
health, wealth or poor. We will win....this
too shall pass.
My life with Annie has been good, great in fact.
She showed me what true love really is.
Before her I had never know real love.
We have a family together. Have been accepted
by all in our community. We have the love and
acceptance of many many friends around us.
Then there are the cyber friends...
what can I say. Fantastic people, caring and
showing your love is what you all do best.
Thank you all for your love and support.

I am so worried about her. We have only had
6 years together....not nearly enough.
We are both scared about her health and will
do what's necessary for a more healthy life.

I want to say thank you to everyone that has
commented and sent e-mails for us. It truly
means a great deal to us...to me.
You guys are the best and I love you all.

Another reason for more healthy eating is my
trigercylides and their high number....417 at
last check. For those that do not know the
normal number...they should be less than 150.
Don't fuss, I know and I am working on that number.

Thanks again to you all.