Today I Showed My Anger
It's not often that I have true anger.
When I do it's not often that I show my anger
to anyone.
Today was not the case. Today was a day of
showing my anger.
I have been with Annie here in Georgia since
April 1999. From the very beginning we began
to raise the kids together. I was one of their
Mothers. I became Momma Jan.
Annie and I sat on too many occasions to count
and had talks with John. We talked about him not
doing his best, his need to make better grades,
to learn to do projects with our help. Many things
we discussed over the past 6 years to try and help
John become a man.
Annie gave him an ultimatum about a month ago. John
get a part time job by the day school starts on
August 4th or you have to move out. He agreed to
this. This was in hopes that he would get himself
together and get a job. Over the summer he would
put in one application and sit and wait on that
place to call and offer him a job. John, it does not
work that way....You must put in multiple applications
and then call them to check on your application.
Multiple, Multiple conversations to no avail.
The past few days Annie has been very upset. I have
given my son a time limit to which he has done nothing
about and now I have to kick him out of my house...I can see
that it's killing her, ripping her apart. Just the
thought of putting her (our) son out of our house
is more than either of us can handle right now.
So, today I blew. I yelled, I cursed and screamed at him. I
told him no more coddling. Told him I ( we) have had it. You
do nothing until given an ultimatum.....Then it's last minute
go out and find a job....Do it now before I get kicked out.
I let him know I was finished with these conversations.
We do not want him out of the house until he is ready to
leave and not by force of not being who we know he
can become.
It's time for him to move from his 12 year old self
into his almost 20 year old body. At night when he
goes out with friends until 4am he is a man and somehow
when he returns he again becomes 12.
I feel like this huge failure to him. God, I tried to teach him
things. He knows true love now between his Mother and I as he
had never seen before. John was raised by his Mother to
treat everyone as his equal, no color, taught not to judge,
handicap people are no different, no one is different than you.
You can be whom ever you want, bright, intelligent, handsome...
With the prettiest blue eyes ever.
I hope he gets it....I hope he understands.
We have given our all. It is now up to John!!
posted by Jan at 10:11 PM
10 Comments:
Ohhhh, Jan. I can feel your pain. I've been thinking of you and Annie and this situation today alot. I hope you all will find the peace you seek as your son tries to figure out how to be the man he is becoming. I'm here with a listening ear if you feel the need. Peace.
I wish I had been loved like that as a kid...I got pregnant at 17 and was kicked out...it was hard, me and my daughter made it though, I came home to my mom recently when she went through breast cancer and needed help...I forgave her...but my brother lived with her till he was 22 then with my grandma...treated like a baby, now he still at 32 acts like a kid, you are making John a man with morales and respect...you 2 are amazing and I wish someone had kicked my brother out and forced him to grow up, and taught him love, respect and better judgement
I am so sorry, Jan. It seems to me that you are a lot like my wife, and I am like Annie. Jenn can really keep her cooll, but when she gets mad, look out!!! I am sure that John understands that you two only get on his case because you love him. Sometimes it takes screaming, crying and slamming doors to get that through to people ( I tend to be one of them). Hugs to you, and may the days ahead give you and Annie a lot less stress...
Love,
Sarah
Jan,
I unfortunately know this situation all too well with my own son.
There is a point with some men where they know that the comfort & security of childhood are being left behind by the responsibilities of the adult life looming before them. Though they want to be "grown up", the reality of what goes with it may be very daunting to them. Getting a job means your time belongs to someone else, their rules, they decide when you will work and play--no choice on this. I think that is what bothers them the most--feeling like "hey wait a minute, I am finally grown now, don't I have any say in this?" Big huge dose of reality.
It is a struggle and there will probably be more anger. Just be assured that it will be the love of his 2 Mom's that help him move on(even kicking and screaming) into manhood.
It will get better eventually. You both are doing all you can do for him and now it's up to John to face it.
hugs to you both,
Karen
You have not failed him. You and Annie have taught him what he needs to know in order to be a responsible member of society, and probably a more compassionate one than most. You have given him the tools he needs and the wings to fly. What he does with them is his decision. If he chooses to do nothing, then he has failed himself. You would be failing him if you allowed him to sit on his ass and do nothing but party with his friends till 4 AM, while continuing to support him financially. You'd be teatching him that as long as he whines enough, someone else will take care of him and clean up his messes. You and Annie have not done that. As hard as it will be, and honestly I can't even begin to imagine how hard it will be for the two of you, you must stick with your ultimatum. If the date comes and goes, and he gets another chance, you will have taught him that your word means little. It tough love... it wouldn't be so tough if you didn't love him so much. It's so obvious that you both love that boy like crazy. He'll get it...it just might take a while, but he'll get it.
Boy Jan. I understand how frustrating it is to watch your son not doing what he needs to do by the deadline. It is a very hard situation. But as with small children, we teach them that we, as parents, follow through. If we don't, then we are teaching them they really don't have to follow the rules. Following through is one of the most important things a parent can do. He needs to see you mean it and will not go back on this. He may be mad now, but he will be thankful at some point, that you forced him to get a job and become responsible. If you extend the deadline, once or even more, he will know he can stay out all night and party and still have a bed to sleep in. He needs to know you and Annie are sticking to the deadline and it may shock him to see that you actually mean it! Tough love as Jaded said. Set him free. You are only asking him to get a job, not live on the streets. He should love and respect you and Annie, and also himself enough to do that. Hang in there Jan. It is up to John now.
I have the exact same problem. Our DD is opposite (so far), but she is the youngest, so ... she watches him and prolly says "nooo not me!". We do the same thing too, lose our cool. Afterwards we feel really yucky. Now I know why the momma birds prod the babies out of the nest! Maybe I should kick out...
Hey Jan!
I was happy to read on Annie's blog that John got a job. So happy you don't have to worry about that problem any longer!
Hey Jan it is Chris...I am finally getting my computer up and running. Still not there yet. I still have to get blog going. I had a virus and it got everything and I lost everything...ugh!! Just wanted to say hi and see how things were. Went to the hunting club this weekend saw lots of deer while riding the land on the 4 wheelers...it was really cool. Also relay the message to Annie, say hi to her as well. ;)
~Chris
you know that he has to help himself, and that is the most important aspect of this. but i feel for you and annie being forced to do this. i know you must be at your wit's end. john will find his way. in his own time. this may be the best thing you ever did for him.
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