Family

Ok, I have Jaded to thank for this one....
I copied this from another blog that Jaded had posted.
Thanks for the spark Jaded.

I asked for strength that I might achieve;
He made me weak that I might obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given grace that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I received nothing that I asked for, all that I hoped for.
My prayer was answered, I was most blessed
--Author Unknown. (Quoted in What to Do When You Pray,
by Lucille Walker)

My family is in North Georgia. Annie, John, Katherine
and Hilary. I love them with all I am.
I do have other family in the Carolinas. Sister,
brother, aunts, uncles, cousins,
nieces, one nephew. I love them as well.
I read the above prayer and immediately thought
of my sister.
Her birthday was June 19, same day as fathers day,
her anniversary June 20.
I told myself to call her, I did not.
I do not know why except for the distance
between us...not in miles but within us.

This distance is painful. She and I were close
growing up and closer as adults. We lived
through horrific abuse and remained close.
She moved out from home the same summer she
graduated high school. Worked a full time job,
and put herself through college. She never
returned to our little South Carolina town to
live. She never moved back home.

She married a wonderful man. Had a wonderful daughter.
After multiple miscarriages, heartache, pain they
gave up on having another baby. A year of my sisters life
was spent in a deep depression...I found this out later.
How did I not know?
They began foster parenting.
A six month old beautiful baby girl. One day there
and soon gone, adopted. They got another beautiful
little girl, after several years of foster parenting
her, they adopted her. This beautiful child came with
baggage, a early childhood of abuse. They dealt with
all the baggage beautifully. I do not mean baggage
as a bad term here folks....just a word.
Still today because of her adopted parents she
is a beautiful girl.

When our Mom got sick we were there. Both daughters
by her side through 2 open heart surgeries, only 30
days apart. The night before the first surgery
my sister and I talked with Mom. We told her we loved
her. We thanked her for the morals she gave us.
We thanked her for enduring all the pain and abuse
in her marriage to our father.
We asked what she wanted in case she died during or
after this surgery. It was the hardest thing we
ever said to her. She told us she was scared.
She told us what she wanted to be buried in, the
songs she wanted sung at her funeral....just in case.

That just in case did not happen with this surgery or the
next open heart surgery. But shortly after the
second our Mom died. Just over 2 months after
the second surgery my stepdad found her in the floor
of her living room. My sister and I both talked to
her that night on the phone. She did not feel well.
I offered to go there, it was only 30 minutes away.
She said no, you have to work tomorrow. I had just gone
back to work after being off 7 weeks with her. My
sister and I both were there.
I talked with my sister that night at 10:00pm.
I asked her "What are we going to do with Mom,
she is not getting any better". She nor I could
answer that question.

I still to this day have a guilt of not going
that night. I went to bed exhausted at 12:30
that night with Mom on my mind. The phone rang
at 12:50, my aunt. Shorty my stepdad came in from
work and found Willie in the floor. He called me,
I have called the rescue squad and now you.
My reply was I will meet you at the hospital.
I called my sister and a friend. I did not want
to take that drive alone.
I picked her up and sped to the hospital about 25
miles away. I got there before the ambulance.

The doctor recognized me and asked what I was doing
there. I told her and she asked did I want to be in the
room when Mom arrived. Oh ,yes please that will be
easier than sitting in the waiting room.
This doctor knew me because she had taken care
of my Mom 2 nights prior in the ER.

The ambulance arrived....one quick glance and I
knew. Mom was dead. We worked the code, yes we.
I did CPR, started another IV, gave medications
and watched this doctor drain fluid out of my Mothers
heart. After that I told her to stop. It was over.
She asked are you sure? I want you to know we did all we
could....I know, it's over.

I walked to the waiting room and told my family.
Husband, daughter, sister in law, friend. Willie has died,
she did not make it. I will never forget that feeling.

Back to my sister. We stuck it out together, stayed
close. Together with her husband we did what had
to be done, the arrangements were made.

Many, many tears, and still tears today.
We went through her things, most were
gifts to other people. All got to choose
what they wanted.

A few years after Mom's death, I finally
became the person I was meant to be all my life.
My regret is that she did not know this
before her death. She never got to see my happy.
I went to my sisters house and told her.
She was the first person I told.
Sister I am gay, I am a lesbian.
Shock on her face, love in her words.
You are my sister, I love you that will
never change. Also, she said that she does not
agree with this lifestyle. But, she would
love and support me.

I moved to North Georgia to be with the love
of my life, Annie. My sister and I kept in touch.
She and my closest aunt visited our home in
June of 99. I move here in April of 99.
It was a lovely visit. Enjoyed by all.

The calls decreased, the contact decreased.
I don't know why...still don't know why.
The next time I saw my sister was at
our wedding in September nearly 2 years ago.

We now don't call each other unless something
happens. Why?

I sent her an e-mail this morning. Sparked by
a prayer Jaded posted on a blog comment.

I told her what was in my heart, on my mind.
I told her I love and miss her in my life.

Annie thinks they think it is her fault.
It is not. Annie has done nothing wrong.
It is my sister and I that have not kept
in touch. It is our fault. Annie had told me
many times....Jan, call your sister,
Jan call your aunt.
I have not called. Her birthday was this
past Sunday. I did not call.

I regret not calling. It can not be changed.

Neither of us took the time.
Both of us love each other.

The prayer helped....maybe now
I can and will call.

I love you sis.