From The Carolina's To Georgia

It's A New Day

2010-12-16T18:02:00.005-05:00

Upon waking up on July 16th,2010 alive in ICU on a ventilator, I realized what I had done. On July 15th, 2010, I tried to take my own life. Still, to this day I can't explain why, to myself or anyone else.
There are a few things I do know for sure. I love Annie with all my heart. I am happy, and grateful to be alive. I want to thank Annie for me being alive, she found and saved me. Annie saved my life.
I love life, I love me, I love my family, and I love Annie. What more is there to say?
Looking back on that day, I think what the hell is wrong with you! You have a great life, a great love, a great family. All I can say is I snapped....cannot explain it, other than I snapped.
I went to see a counselor, but found no solutions as to why I tried to take my own life......Chalk it up to, Jan is crazy. Judge if you want, agree if you want...I did it, I am not proud of it. I AM happy to be alive.
Each day that passes, I thank Annie for saving me, silently or out loud.

There is nothing I can do to make up for what I have done. to Annie, and my family, other than love, cherish and adore them, and say...never ever again will I be so stupid.

It is a new day. It's Christmas time.....I wish my family a Merry Christmas. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas!!

A New Day-

2009-07-29T00:27:00.003-04:00

A new day, a new beginning. Finally a long over due decision made...
I am going to college. My goal is LPN to RN transition. First step are the required prerequisites. Today I met my adviser and set my schedule. I am taking 14 credit hours..and think already I have lost my mind. My classes are Speech, English Comp, First Year Experience, United States History and Introductory Algebra.
In the last post I talked about having a melt down, seeing my Doc, change in meds and two weeks off work. In that two weeks I did a lot of thinking. Do I want to be a nurse any more...if not then what do I do with my life. I do not know anything else. If I continue nursing then I must become an RN. Is that what I want??? My final decision was yes I love nursing, I love helping people. Then my only option was and is to continue my education. So there it is...my decision, my gift to myself. I just hope and pray I can do this.

Annie has been a trooper for and with me. She is my rock and has stood beside me through thick and thin. Annie I promise you that I will do this. It is what I want, its the only thing to do and the right thing to do.
Now I will challenge myself and put my inactive brain to work.
Thank you Annie for being here with me. Thanks for your love, your support and trust that yes I can...Yes we can!!

Soul Searching

2009-05-09T13:11:00.006-04:00

Recently I have done lots of soul searching. Just recently have I realized it was soul searching that was triggered a few months ago by several factors.
These are not in any particular order, just as they come into my brain.

One being the miscommunication and loss of friends. Annie found a long lost friend after being apart for thirty years. Her name is Laura. Her partner of twelve years Ginger. Annie and Laura began communicating by e-mail, getting to know one another again after all those years. Then there was phone communication. I watched as Annie changed into a happier person by getting to reconnect with her friend. She felt as if she had found family. Annie and Laura were like sisters. They e-mailed daily, talking, learning and growing in their relationship. Her happiness made me happy. I too became friends with Laura and spoke a few times on the phone with her.
Ginger her partner was a woodworker and wood turner. She also loved to fish as I do.
Both retired both love the outdoors. They live twelve hours from Georgia in a beautiful home nestled in the woods with five acres of wooded area behind them. In that area is wildlife. Deer that come up to their yard to say hello. A quiet area just minutes away from lake Michigan.

Annie and I went to visit August 2008 and spent eight days with them. It was wonderful, magical. A quiet serene meeting of friends, their two dogs included. We spent time together, getting to know each other. Visited historical sites, art galleries, Monet flower garden and water. They took us out on their boat. Ginger and I fished, Annie and Laura talked, worked on projects together.
Annie and spent time together in early morning watching the deer in the woods and talking. It was fantastic for us as well. Our hosts went to bed early, Annie and I played, played on line, watched tv, read, sat outside and listen to the lake. It was all breath taking. The best trip ever.

Later in the year They were to leave by boat from Michigan to Florida and stop over in Tennessee and visit with us. They arrived late one week after Thanksgiving. We had Thanksgiving in our home with them and other friends.
Turkey and all the trimmings. They supplied the wine. Ginger made a delicious homemade apple pie. It was a celebration, a renewal of friendship. A playtime of hobbies and art. While we were in Michigan Ginger took me to her workshop and showed me wood turning, pen turning and let me help her make me a pen. I fell in love right there with wood turning. As a result my family bought me a lathe and all the accessories for mu October birthday.

Annie showed them how she makes mosaics, they played with glass. Annie and laura spent a lot of time with Laura's photography. We again grew to know and love more about each other.

After they left to drive back to Florida for the winter and summer things changed. An e-mail was sent to Annie by Laura. A reply was returned with honest thoughts and feelings and truths. The problem was that Laura had her e-mail set up to go also to Ginger. The hurt and anger began. Laura never explained or accepted responsibility. That was the beginning of the end of the relationship, the family, the friendship. Annie's loss of her sister, of her family, her friend. It was extremely painful for Annie it was painful for me. It's still painful today.

The second being my work. The increase in pressures, the increase in work and the decrease of staff. One less nurse every day. Taking care of five patients now instead of four. The decrease in hours and overtime. I went from working 48 to 60 hours a week to working 32 to 36 hours per week. No overtime allowed with no warning. It just happened, boom!!
That resulted in doctors becoming more demanding, as there was not enough staff to properly care for our patients. Taking care of 5 sick people at once is impossible.Just about everybody got IV's and multiple meds ordered, Then was the multiple other procedures ordered. One doctor in particular drives me nuts or rather I allowed him to drive me nuts. His quotes: Let's make this happen, right away, Give SOME demerol. Ok the LETS in make it happen was me, it was the nursing staff as he was standing in the way of us nurses taking care of patients. You had to tell him to move or put your hand on his should and guide him out of the way. SOME DEMEROL....ok Doc how much is SOME?
Then the addition of extra work required daily. The newest JAHCO that popped up every week. Cleaning the lounge behind grown ups, cleaning out the fridge behind grown ups. Picking up supplies left everywhere and anywhere by grown ups.
And the added responsibility for me...I took this on myself so I can only blame me. I was taking care of the same number of patients as everyone else but also taking care of supplies and equipment for the ER. Fixing the broken if possible, ordering new when needed and explaining why we needed 3 new thermometers at once because the others disappeared because staff left them in patients rooms. Telling everyone where certain supplies are located or kept because they would not take it upon themselves to learn.
I reached my boiling point on the last two regular shifts I worked.
My last regular shift a doctor screamed at me about a psych patient. I screamed back because he did not listen to what I was trying to tell him. He only heard half of it and assumed well whatever he assumed he took it out on me. It became a screaming match to which I just walked away. When I get that angry and upset I cry, which in turn makes it very difficult to take care of my patients. The doctor came to me a few minutes later and wanted to apologize and talk about it. I told him not now to just leave me alone.
He did apologize later in the afternoon. I continued to fume that this was done in front of everyone at the desk. That just pissed me off and hurt my feelings.
A few days later I had a break down. I cried, I sobbed, to Annie. I did not want to be a nurse any more but I know nothing else. I felt like a total failure. I was a failure to myself to my family to everyone.
Annie and I realized it was time for help. I had a doctors appointment later that week. Medication was changed and given 2 weeks off work. I called and set up counseling and attended a session then an orientation session for new patients. It will be on going until I get myself back together. Just being away from work has been my saving grace. I had to remove myself from the source of stress. I am much better already with one more week off to go.

The third factor was the death of my closest friend from South Carolina. Carol and I met in nursing school 27 years ago. She was 6 months ahead of me in school. She went to work at our local hospital as did I 6 months later. At times in the beginning on my career we worked together and started to become friends. She always worked in ICU and I would get pulled from med surgery/pediatrics/geriatrics to ICU. I learned lots about that type of nursing. We taught/helped each other. We started a long lasting friendship.

She became divorced, I was single. We were inseparable. Her sons raced go karts. We traveled together to these races that lasted 2-3 days. In the divorce she gained a camper at the beach where she visited frequently, as did I. We both loved the ocean and loved each other. Our friendship had grown. We watched her oldest son play softball, she watched me play softball. I played in church league, coed EMS league and fast pitch womens league. My spring and summers were consumed for years with softball. I was good, very good in my day and in my time. As I got older my joints did not like me any more. My shoulder hurt every time I threw a ball. My knee hurt from an injury years prior. I still played but not as often. My body would not let me.
I met Annie online and moved to Georgia in April of 1999. It was love at first site. Ten years later we are still in love and happy. Not to say we have not had our share of problems but we always work them out and our love grows as a result.
Carol and I remained in frequent touch after my move for a while. She sent cards, I did not. I occasionally called, she called more often. I was the one that stopped calling. We visited a few times and stayed with Carol during our visits.
In January of this year we made a trip there. We stayed with my sister about 45 minutes from Carol. Annie was in class during the day. On Sunday I called Carol and we set up getting together for lunch. We spend about 1 1/2 hours at the restaurant together with two of her grandchildren then back to her house where we talked about 2 hours about any thing and everything. She told me finally about her son who abused drugs and used her. She said she finally cut him off financially. I was proud of her. She had hinted about him to me several times but would never admit to me he abused drugs. She also gave me latest update about her workers comp shoulder injury and that physical therapy had failed. She was going to have surgery in the near future to repair the damage.
I talked by phone with her a few weeks later, she gave me the surgery date. I promised to call her after the surgery to check on her. After the surgery she stayed at her daughters house just over a week to recuperate. I never called and still today am kicking myself for this.
I received a phone call from another friend in the early afternoon of March fifth. Missy explained to me that Carol had died earlier that day. Her daughter the night before had taken her home because her daughters husband was coming down with an illness an neither Carol nor her daughter wanted Carol to get sick. Daughter talked with Mom that night at 11:00pm, she was doing fine. The next morning Carol called her daughter at work and told her something was wrong, she told her she was going to die. She could only speak one word at the time....It was her last words.
Annie and I prepared for the trip for Carols funeral. We stayed in a hotel in that SC town where Carol lived and I had lived 10 years prior.
I felt anger, I felt guilt for not calling and talking with her one last time. I did not know it would have been the last time, but that did not help my guilt. It did not help the loss my best friend ever from SC. Annie was a trooper. She was right there for and with me through this time, through the funeral. At the funeral the when we arrived the casket was open. I had to go. Annie was on my left another long time friend on the other side of her, on the other side of me was a friend who offered to take that walk with me. I declined. It was something I had to do by myself. I stood up to take that long dreaded walk up that church isle, my insides shaking, I felt as if my legs were shaking beneath me. I had to say goodbye to her body to my friend.
After the funeral the family met in the church fellowship hall. I hugged and talked with her oldest son and her daughter. I hugged her oldest grandkids that I had watched grow up. I hugged her sisters and talked with one of them. They were very close. What a great loss to everyone. When we started to leave the church Annie stopped in the parking lot and told me to go and visit the grave site. To have some quiet time to say what I needed to say. I did and it was painful. I walked back with tears in my eyes. Annie was so caring, loving and supportive of me.
I felt as if I had let Carol her down. I did let her down. I was not a good friend to her in the most recent years and mainly the most recent weeks. I failed her and I failed myself.

The end result of all of this ranting is this:
Life is short, life is precious. Nothing in or about life is guaranteed, there is no warranty on life. The just isn't. Life is too short to let the little things drag me down. The big things I have to learn to deal with much better and I have in the past. That is a work in progress.
Life itself is a work in progress and one in which I want to live with open eyes and open mind. Loving, laughing and living....what more is there!!!

How Long Did You Raise Her!!!

2008-03-06T18:31:00.004-05:00

So, I am sitting on our couch watching taped biggest loser and who appears at our door.
John Burke III the BIGGEST LOSER!! Yep thats right the kids dad parades himself up our front walkway, knocks....stupid me I let him in. He says nothing but Where is Carol (Annie)?
She is in the office I will get her. The asshole follows me down the hallway. He then proceeds to start screaming and cursing at Annie about Katie. Is she a meth head? She looks like shit, she is too skinny. Did you see the bruises all over her? Is she sticking her finger down her throat and puking? Her damn teeth are falling out of her head, they are rotten he kept saying as he cursed. This ass has a lot of nerve walking into our home and start screaming.
Annie handled the whole thing very well. I on the other hand was fuming the entire time he was here and still fuming. How dare he accuse Katie of using meth. She lost weight by exercising and walking, the bruises all over her...she has none. What she was talking about is a dark spot on her neck that has been there for many years. Where have you been dad??? Have you never noticed that spot on her neck? Oh yes I forgot you have not been around. 2 hours at Thanksgiving, 3 hours at Christmas and maybe 6 hours total throughout the year. You really get to know you children with spending 11 hours a year with them.

I kept my mouth pretty much shut and only said a few things like....Katie lost her weight by walking and the "bruise" on her neck has been there for years. No she is not a meth addict or any other drug. She looks great with her weight.
Annie did the rest of the talking and did a damn fine job at it too. She has known this volatile man for many years and knows the best and only way to deal with him is to pacify him and use humor. Any thing else and he becomes mean and abusive. It took everything I had not to scream at him to get the F out of my house. Our house....Annie, Jan and the kids house. You are not welcome and do not belong here. I have not been this mad in a very long time. He will not be back in our house ever again. If he tries, I will have him arrested.
My only words to him is get the fuck out of our house and our lives.
You no longer belong here and haven't for many years.
You cheated on your family and lost any right you have to step foot here ever again.
You John Burke III will not terrorize my family again. Your words nor your actions will never hurt anyone here again. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME EVER!!

My question is to John Burke III........How Long Did You Raise Her???
The answer is about 5 years...while you cheated and treated your entire family like crap. You do not deserve this wonderful family.

I am so proud of Annie for standing up to him in the only way she could with kindness. She did not let that asshole run Katie into the ground. Thank you Annie. I love you!!

I Know, I Know, It's been a long time....

2007-12-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

Whew, its sure has been a long time since I have seen this blog page. Sorry folks.
No excuse just have not done it.
Christmas is a week away, I am excited. The shopping has been completed. The gifts are all wrapped. I think Annie will be surprised at her gifts this year and pleased as well. She has been completed 95% of all our Christmas shopping, decorating and preparing by her self this year. Thank you Annie and just for that Santa and his reindeer will come to see you as you have been a very good girl this year.
She took time out from her art to complete Christmas and make it wonderful as always.
This is a big deal as she loves her art and misses creating very much. It is a joy to watch her work, to watch her create. Darn, how did she get all so gifted? I can not draw a straight line with a ruler.

A few weeks ago Annie and I went to South Carolina to visit family and friends. It was a very brief visit just 24 hours. It was wonderful to see my sister, brother in law, niece, Aunt and cousins. Our time was short but the visit was great. We spent the night at a friends house that I met through nursing school 26 years ago. It was also wonderful to see her as well. The next day we had lunch with some of the EMS folks I used to work with. For a brief moment it made me miss EMS...Not enough to work 24 hour shifts again. But, there was that brief moment. These guys/gals have not changed one bit in the last 8 years.
It is extremely difficult to stay in touch but we promised to do better. I promised as well and Annie will hold me to it. Family and friends are important.
After lunch Annie and I headed to Myrtle Beach for our first non coroner related vacation in several years. OCEAN here we come. It was absolutely wonderful. A suite ocean front with private balcony. We left the sliding glass door open the entire time we were there. Nothing better than sleeping with the sound of the ocean.
Another reason for visiting Myrtle Beach was the anual Spring-Maid art show. It is the first weekend of December every year. Four floor of hand crafted art and only one person there with mosaics. Next year Annie will be there with her mosaics. Lets put some competition in this art show people. Her art will far exceed any one elses.
If you have not seen her art please go to:
designsbyannieb.com
I think you will agree it is fantastic.
Thank you Annie for the ocean trip. You are wonderful and I love you with all I am.
Merry Christmas honey.

This and That

2006-05-05T20:46:00.000-04:00

I haven't felt like I have had anything to say lately.
Life has been in a tail spin or rather work has been in
a tail spin.
I am in the same place doing the same thing, nursing. The reward
has not been the same lately. I've been pushed and pulled in
many directions....None of which I am happy about. It began
quiet some time ago. First many things that I have been able to do
as an LPN was taken away. Many IV medications I can no longer give.
Not just me but, every LPN in that hospital. It sucks. I have been
giving those medications for years and suddenly its taken from me
by hospital administration. Not some JACHO rule but the hospitals
rule.
I was the only LPN allowed to start External Jugular IV's ( it an IV
that goes in a persons neck). This was allowed because I am also
a paramedic. This was also taken away. Very ironic that only RN's can
start EJ's....The ironic part is that only a very few RN's were trained
in how to start them. So, then what happened.....RN's were coming to me
for me to teach them how to stick a person's neck. They also came to me
to ask how to give one of those meds that I could not longer give.
For some time I answered them and helped for the better of the patient,
my patients. That grew old....Take the time and initiative to read and learn
about those medications as I did so many years ago....And continue to learn
each and every new medication as it comes out. We deal with peoples lives
each and every day. It really pisses me off that a lot of people don't
care enough to do the job right, to take the time to learn, to give
the best care available. Learn how to do your damn job people!!!
Please, don't get me wrong I do not hate RN's....I love them and all
they stand for, for all I stand for.
It's just that LPN's have been treated like skum of the earth and I for one am
sick of it.
Next thing take away was the days I work. I had been working Thursday
through Sunday for over 2 years. 12 hours four days a week.
Suddenly that was taken. I was given no options....You will begin working
Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I was asked what I thought after
I was told my new days. I raised hell, cursed, pitched a fit....All
to no avail. The problem with working Monday and Tuesdays is that I take
coroners call on Monday and Tuesday.
I was told that secondary jobs take a back seat to other employees
education. First comes staff, them family and education and second
jobs takes a back seat to it all. Never mind that I had a signed
contract to work every Friday, Saturday and Sunday(work on weekend).
I had multiple conversations with the BOSS.....Cried, yelled, screamed
and cursed him to his face. Nothing changed. He did not care that he
just took money from my pocket. I was the one that had to change my damn
schedule.....Others soon followed.
Next change.....All LPN's would be stopped from working 12 hour shifts.
You will now work 4 ten hour days. This was explained to make it sound better.
Instead of working 3 twelve hour shifts a week for 36 hours, now you get
40 hours a week. 40 hours.....Shit I have been working 48 hours a week
for more than 2 years. How is this better I asked? Because you get 4o hours
instead of 36. But, stupid I have been working 48.....That just does not
add up....Maybe my math is wrong.
Jan, you can work more days if you want more hours. What choice do I have.
You are making me work Monday and Tuesdays which stops me from taking call
during those days. So, I take call at night on Monday and Tuesday
and take the chance of being up all night. Which has happened.
OK, now Jan that you decided you wanted to work 5 days a week. Here are
your days off.....Every Wednesday and Friday. You can't have 2 days off
in a row. Work 4 days take one off then work one and take one off. Repeat
cycle over and over.
I have stewed over this now for a couple of months and almost ruined
myself with anger and depression.
Hell all I want is to work Thursday through Sunday 12 hours, take great care
of my patients, and provide for my family. Now I feel as if I have no family time.

There are choices, either I deal with it and wait out the boss or leave.
I have decided to wait out the boss. He is boss #8 in the 7 years
I have been there.....Time is drawing nigh.

On a much brighter note. I am very well loved and that feels good.

Seven Years Today

2006-02-13T11:39:00.000-05:00

Seven years ago today at 3:30 in the afternoon I met Annie
face to face for the first time.
That was one of the most wonderful days of my life.
Annie and I fell in love the moment our eyes met.
I still stare into her eyes and feel that love all over again.
Wonderful each time.
She completes me.
We finish each others sentences.
We love to sing to each other as a CD plays ( the dogs don't even howl)

Annie and I have 3 anniversaries.....Today February 13,
April 21....Our first wedding on our deck and,
September 12....Wedding with our friends.
I think we have decided to celebrate February 13.

Happy anniversary my love.........
You are my heart.......
You are the love of my life.........

Lunch today with Annie and her sister Cris at Olive Garden.
Then shopping at Michaels, Hobby Lobby and AC Moore......What
a great day!!!

God, I Love This Woman!!!!!!

Flaming Fury

2006-02-07T12:37:00.000-05:00

Angry is a small little word for what I am. It does not even
touch the surface. When you stab my spouse, my partner, my friend
you have just stabbed me as well.
Annie gave that place four years of her life. Busting her ass every
day for her patients, their families and friends, co-workers. And
for what? To get shit canned for being out a few days. It's just does
not make any sense. I have thought about this from every angle,
every direction and still it does not make any sense.
You people were wrong, damn wrong.
Annie was the best, hardest worker, most efficient, fastest,
most accurate there. They do not know what (who) they have lost.
They have made a hugh mistake.
Along with losing her job, she also lost her health, dental, vision
and life insurance. And, dental insurance for the kids.
She loved her job, she loved the people there, she loved the patients.

What goes around comes around SF.
I know dirt on you SF and I will wait for the right time to use it.
Just sit back and wait...Your time is coming...That's a promise.

Annie, my love hang in there. We will get through this.
Just a step back but, we will move forward.
This I promise....I will always love you. I will always be by your
side. I will never leave you. You are my heart, my love, my life.
You bring love, joy and happiness into my life, everyday of my life.
I will always be there with you, by your side, holding your hand,
holding your heart. Feel my love surround you.

Christmas Is Near

2005-12-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

Christmas is near....And all through the house.......
Packages wrapped, packages sorted into different areas
to take to different places on designated days. Packages
wrapped under the tree. Our beautiful tree adorned with
the most beautiful ornaments, some hand made, many bought.
Gifts hidden here and hidden there.....Just have to remember
in my over 40 years of age just where I put them....That will
be interesting.
All our friends at work ask each year for goodies....Annie's
homemade goodies. Her reply this year, I am not making any and
you can not make me.
Well, we spent Monday making 3 batches of fudge, 4 recipes of sausage balls
and Annie made a cheese ball. Tuesday we made 3 batches of peanut
butter balls....Six hours later at 6pm we had 492 pb balls.
These make wonderful gifts, enjoyed by all.
Tuesday night we attended a party at a friends house. We arrived
early and I sang karoke....Badly but had a blast trying. I love to sing,
I just wish my voice would cooperate.
We ate and sang then played poker, while enjoying each others company.

It has taken me a while to enjoy Christmas. Annie and the kids
have several wonderful Christmas traditions. The focus being on making
others happy....Annie is the best at that.
Every year on Christmas eve we read a Christmas story and everyone opens
a gift....New PJ's and one family gift. After the kids go to bed
Santa comes bringing gifts and stockings. I never had this as a kid and
to see it now, and being a part of it brings joy to me. Family traditions
should be cherished. I cherish my family. I now cherish Christmas. I
cherish memories we have made in our past 6 Christmas'.

I wish you all joy in this holiday season.

Blessed Be

2005-12-17T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today Annie and I received gifts. Two wonderful gifts.
One from Lois Lane ( Home Fires). Her words:

Jan and Annie are getting a joint gift. They are, after all, married and completely in love. It's not their fault our society is a little behind in its way of thinking. For them I offer no more weird looks, no more seeking acceptance, no more gay bashing, no more naysayers, no more religious zealots tossing out what they believe the Lord intended. I guess I offer them peace. Ha, now I sound like a beauty pageant contender.

Thank you Lois, more than words can say. This was so sweet of you.
One day soon I hope love will be fair to all. I await the day that
marriage means equality and all the benefits that go along with it.
Your gift made me warm and fuzzy....Thanks Lois

Our second gift was from Helium Hello-Kimmy. Kimmy, you went above and beyond
for Annie and I. I spoke on the phone with Kimmy last night and she began to
work on a problem for us. Today at work she called Annie's cell and had worked out
all the details and solved our problem. She called us today at work 3 times
to give us details and explain what she had done.
Kimmy you are a wonderful person. Annie and I do not know how to thank you...
We will figure out that part I promise.
I can't give the details yet as to what Kimmy did for us. Give me about a week
and you all will receive the details.....I'm sorry I don't mean to leave you all in the dark but, our kids read here.....shhhhhh it's a secret.
Thank you Kimmy.
It was great talking with you on the phone.

Cyber friends are the greatest.
Happy Holidays to all!!

Adventures In Life

2005-11-22T14:29:00.000-05:00

Life holds many adventures. Some good and some not so good.
As of this date one of the good is Hilary. She tried out at
school for a talent show and was accepted. The talent show
was today. She blew me away. Hilary was fantastic. It was the
first time I had heard her sing a song alone all the way through.
There were approximately 500 high school kids watching and parents
of those in the talent show.
I listened and watched her sing and also watched Annie with tears
in her eyes. Tears of pride, tears of joy, tears of love.
It was an awesome experience.
You broke a leg Hilary!!! Way to go girl. I am so very proud of you.

I have been working two day shifts in the ER on Friday and Saturday
and two night shifts on Sunday and Monday in a new unit for
chest pain that opened October 1 this year. This unit called CDU
(clinical decision unit) got off to a slow start but, now has begun to
pick up. We have had about 50 patients thus far.
Years ago I worked weekend nights all the time in another ER and loved
nights. Now as I get older nights is wearing and tearing on me. The first
is just miserable just trying to stay awake while not being busy. The second
night is much easier. Another pitfall is that it takes time away from
Annie and I. I sleep all day on Monday and half the day Tuesday. The
remainder of the week I seem confused as to what day it is and what I am
supposed to do.
One good thing is that the work is damn easy....The total opposite
of the ER which is 12 hours of run, run, run. I do love the ER but, the
break has been a welcome change. It's much easier than four 12 hour
shifts in the ER.
We currently have a bonus program that pays $500 after taxes for
working one extra shift a week through March. This is due to being
short staffed along with the winter flu season. I received my first check
last week.....Totally great to be paid extra to work an extra day a
week that I had already been doing for about 2 years. The money sure will
come in handy right now.

A friend from work has a 5 month old yorkie puppy to give away.
Her daughters took in this puppy from a relative against their
mothers advice then realized they can not properly take care
of this precious puppy. She knew where to turn.....Give it to
Annie and Jan they will take her and love her....Just like Mikey
on the commercial....We are suckers for a yorkie puppy. Bring her on...
There is much more love to share for a yorkie pup. Her name will be Lucy.
A new bundle of joy.

Sorry for the delay in writing....No excuses to offer.

Survey About Me

2005-10-20T00:07:00.000-04:00

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
Charleton Heston, Kate Winslet

2. Where was your first kiss?
During high school.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
No, never

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, I did. As a paramedic, I hit a guy attacking me
in the back of an ambulance with a sand bag.

5. Have you ever sang in front of a large number of people?
Yes many times at church as a child and young adult.

6. What's the first things you notice about the preferred sex?
eyes, smile, breasts, hair, clothing, hands.

7. What really turns you on?
Annie, kindness, kind heart, being genuine

8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Don't have one near where I live. Had coffee once at
Starbucks and did not like it....Way to strong for me.

9. What is your biggest mistake?
Not realizing who I was in life at an earlier age.
I wasted many years being unhappy within myself.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
Yes, but not physically. I hurt myself emotionally for
many years.

11. Say something totally random about yourself.
I love the sounds of the ocean.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
No

13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
occasionally I do. Still a kid at heart I guess.

14. Did you have braces?No

15. Are you comfortable with your height?
Comfortable, yes. But wish to be taller.
I am 5'3"

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?
Opposite sex....nothing.
Annie-Drove me to a romantic spot near our home in a jeep.
We sat under the moonlight and stars, talked, laughed and
held each other for hours.

17. When do you know it's love?
When our eyes met in that eye catching stare and we were unable
to move our eyes away from each other. My heart just melted in
that moment.

18. Do you speak any other languages?
No

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
No...big waste of money

20. What magazines do you read?
None in particular.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yes, a limo picked us up from the airport and
took us to our cruise ship. Once we rented a limo
with someone else's money to take their winning
money to them.

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
All my grandparents, Mother, Father, Stepfather, 2 good friends,
Cousin, Aunt

23. Do you watch MTV?
No

24. What's something that really annoys you?
People who do not have respect for others.
Liars, cheaters.

25. What's something you really like?
Annie, chocolate, watching movies, playstation games,
the ocean, music, working in our yard.

26. Do you like Michael Jackson?
Not as the man he is now. I liked him years ago and like his
older music. I have no respect for him now.

27. Can you dance?
Only if I want to give people a good reason
to laugh at me.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up?
Stayed up for 2 days once....not by choice.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
Taken by ambulance to emergency room yes, but not rushed.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?
Yes, and usually find them very interesting.

Hilary's, big solo concert is tonight....Her first solo..
Whooooo, hooooo go HILARY!!
I am very proud of you young lady.
Break a leg!!!!

Buster, Buster-Part Four

2005-09-12T22:31:00.000-04:00

Living in South Carolina most of my life we
only had snow about once a winter if we were lucky.
The same here in North Georgia. I had never made a
snow angel until I moved to North Georgia.
Annie shared that wonderful experience with me.
We lay in the snow made our snow angels and
laughed.
We laughed even harder watching our beloved
dogs play in our yearly snow. Sebastian and
Buster were big snow lovers. Lil' Bit not so
much. The snow got her precious feet wet...And,
she just could not have her feet wet.
Buster being the short little thing he was
would run and play for hours (if we let him)
in the snow. We had to make Buster and Sebastian
come inside. Buster would have snow tags hanging
from all his hair.
They were so cute running and playing with their
doggie sweaters on making their own version of
doggie snow angels. Buster would roll in the snow
completely covering himself with the white stuff.
Looking at his face we could see a big doggie grin.

Lil'Bit would stand in the snow only after we
would clear away a snow spot for her....Then
she would stand there in the grass long enough
to potty....Look up at us as if to say OK I'm
done hold me now please.
I would take her into the yard and put her down
in the snow. It was too funny watching her run
to the porch to the safety of no snow.
Buster tried to get her to play with him in
the snow....She would have no part of it.

Slugs All Around-Finding The Humor

2005-09-08T17:47:00.000-04:00

Annie and I had a great laugh just now.
I worked 7pm to 7am last night and slept the
day away. I got up at 3:45 pm and went to my
computer as always. Annie was working on her
blog. We kissed hello and I said sorry I slept
all day.
Later the conversation turned to the lack of
what we had done this week.....Nothing to be
exact. On Monday she cleaned house and did laundry.
John, Katie and I did outside stuff, grass, shrubs
and trimming. I worked Monday night.
Tuesday we did nothing....More of the same on
Wednesday....More of the same on Thursday....Nothing!!

Annie made a comment a few minutes ago that when she
drove Katie to work this afternoon she did so in her PJ's.
While driving she was thinking to herself.....Don't let
anything happen....I would hate to be on the side of the
road in my pink pants. Pink pajama pants....We just had to
laugh, and laugh, and laugh. I can see her now standing
on the side of the road in her pink pajammies....Oh you
just got to love that woman.
We did so little this week, that we did not even dress.
My feelings about this.....Oh well....Sometimes you
just deserve to do nothing....You just have to!!

What we have done a lot of is be glued to the TV.
Watching Katrina stories....Many, many of which have
been happy, a joy to watch. Many happy tears for us
to see these folks getting help. The stories of kindness
and love. There is hope, there is help, there is love all
around.

Tragedy and Devastation

2005-09-02T21:17:00.000-04:00

How much and what can one say!!!
Tragedy and Devastation....A National Disaster.
As I sit at my computer in the safety of my home
I watch the TV. A home filled with love, with food, water,
electricity...All the comforts. Comforts that so many thousands
do not have right now....And do not know when they will.
I watch a concert, a charity concert to financially support
Katrina's wrath. How much is enough?
When will that enough get there? How many people have to die?
A painful truth.... Thousands of lives lost, dead....Thousands more
without the comforts of home.
Summer heat and humidity, no shelter, no food, no water, no
basic necessities. NO HOME.
I can not even imagine being there....

If those storm ravaged people can find food, water, mattresses,
or anything to help ease their pain and suffering....I say
good for you. Take what you need as long as it hurts no one.
Is it stealing when you are doing it for survival?...Hell No. It's
survival.

Tears flow in this house for all those involved.
Why was so little done so slowly. Everyone knew this
storm was coming. They said get out....Leave your homes.
I am so happy that many did. But, for others that did not,
I am sad. Not just that they did not leave...They could not.
For financial reasons they did not, could not.
The poor could not leave.

Annie and I were in Albany, Georgia this week. I was there
for a mandatory class. We saw many, many people in the very
hotel where we stayed run out from their homes. Running
from Katrina. We saw the looks on their faces, the sadness
in their eyes. I know they had to wonder and worry if
they still had a home. If their relatives were safe.
Albany was filled with people. People who if they could have
would have been in the comfort of their homes.
This I am sure would not have been their choice. It is no
vacation for them.
Two guys in the room next to us, went out and bought a
generator, multiple gas cans and cases of water. They grilled
out every night because it was cheaper than eating out.
How long do they have to wait? How much do they have to suffer?

There is no way to know they suffering and struggle of
these people without being there. I wish I could be there.
I wish I could be there to help. I know I would never be the same
after seeing all the tragedy and devastation, first hand.

Much time must pass before things, people will be back to functioning.
Much more time before things are settled. For all these people, their
lives will never be "normal" again.

Buster, Buster-Part Three

2005-08-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

With Lil'Bit recovered. She and Buster were
inseperable. It was as if they were soul mates.
One day while in the yard with all 3 dogs, a big
yellow dog came into our yard. I mean HUGE. Now
our dogs are small. Sebastian the largest and he
only weighs 12 pounds, Buster about 6 and Lil' Bit 3.
This big yellow dog began chasing after Lil' Bit.
She was terrified....Buster immediately went into
action...Rescue mode. I must save her.
Buster began running after and barking at this massive
creature. He drew the attention away from Lil' Bit
and onto himself. Through the yard he ran with big yellow
dog closely behind. Annie and I are outside screaming
at big yellow and screaming at Lil' Bit to come to Annie.
Come she did not....Still terrified she ran into the road.
Into the road as a car was coming....Buster and us watching.
Buster again sprang into action, running out into the road
directly in front of the oncoming car. He ran directly into
Lil' Bit knocking her out of the way of the on coming car.
He endangered himself to save his soulmate. The car missed
Buster by inches as sweat was pouring out of me. I by now was also
terrified. But, no it was not over....
Big yellow was there....Waiting again to chase our
angels. Lil' Bit was safely in Annie's arms. Big yellow now being
chased by Buster, letting him know to get the hell out of his yard
and away from his precious Lil' Bit. Buster finally ran towards me.
I patted my legs and up he came into my arms.
All were safe. Buster in my arms, Lil' Bit in Annie's arms and
Sebastian inside watching from the front door.
As for big yellow.....we haven't seen him since. I do not
know where he came from or where he went....Just grateful he
was no longer around.

Buster, Buster-Part Two

2005-08-24T18:05:00.000-04:00

Buster with Baby Lil' Bit

Wonderful times were everywhere with Buster.
I made a sound with my mouth like a little click
and Buster came running from where ever he might
be in the house at that time. If I patted my thigh
he ran and jumped into my arms. That little six pound
bundle of joy could jump up to my waist from running or
a dead stand still.....It was truly amazing to watch.

At night he snuggled himself under the covers until
he got hot then found himself a spot between Annie and I.
By morning he was always under my right arm snuggled
to my chest. It did not matter to him that I could not
move my arm when I awoke from the fixed position it had
been in for hours. He just wanted to snuggle. Buster
loved love and he loved us just as we loved him.

About a year after we got Buster, Annie decided we needed
a female yorkie. She wanted to do this for me as I had done
with Buster for her. The search for the perfect female yorkie
was on. We bought the news paper daily to search.
Multiple calls were made. Most to no avail. Then one day there
she was, in the paper. This female sounded perfect. Toy female
yorkie, 6 weeks old. Parents on premises and registered. We called
this lady and set up a time to meet her, to meet the female yorkie.

An hours drive to Cleveland, Tennessee to this lady's house in the
country. She brought out several yorkies of different litters,
different sizes, different personalities. One female stood out, a
runt. This tiny little pup ever so softly gave us kisses. Our hearts
melted. Once again we were in love.

We paid the lady, exchanged information for the registration
papers and were on our way home to show Buster his new friend.
Our new friend. Our new joy.
What shall we name her. Many, many names came to mind. We settled
on Lil' Pearl (Pearl, my Mothers middle name) and called her
Lil' Bit.
Buster and Lil' Bit were inseparable. Immediate friends. He took
her under his wing and showed her the ropes of doggie life.
Sebastian loved her as well, ever watching the other two play.
The yorkies were full of play, occasionally Sebastian would
join the fun.
Shortly after getting Lil' Bit we took a trip to Michigan
to visit Annie's Mom. 3 kids and 3 dogs in tow for a 12
hour drive. The kids listened to music or slept. All 3 dogs
loved to ride. Lil' Bit before we left started having
diarrhea. To begin with it was minor, nothing serious.
Once we got to Michigan it became more frequent, then she
began to cough and vomit. Now this little one was tiny.
She would fit into our shirt pocket, she did not have enough
body fat to sustain all the loss of fluids.
Every time she coughed, had diarrhea or vomited Buster,
Annie and I were right there. We were lying in bed one
night after being there 3 days listening to the little
one cough and decided the next morning we were heading
home....Home to our vet. Annie's Mom seemed upset that
we changed our plans and were leaving early to take a
dog to the vet. Not just a dog, our dog, our baby.

Lil' Bit had kennel cough....Nearly died. I called the
breeder lady and told her of Lil' Bits illness. She offered
a refund of our money. We don't want your damn money, we want
our little one healthy. We don't want her to die. She is now
a part of our family. Words were exchanged at how she was
breeding dogs and her lack of care for the dogs. It's not
about money lady, it's about love.

Dehydrated and barely able to walk, we cared for her,
medicated and force fed her for several weeks. Slowly she began
to get better and again became our energetic bundle of joy. Busters
energetic bundle of joy. His playmate, his friend.

Buster, Buster-Part One

2005-08-23T16:33:00.000-04:00

Buster, that's the name of my dog. He was not really mine,
I bought him for Annie in the fall of 1999. Buster is a yorkie.
We found him in the newspaper in Soddy Daisy Tennessee.
It was about an hours drive to go see him.
We were in these peoples house. First thing we saw
was a play pen in the kitchen. Puppy sounds were
coming from this play pen. Wonderful puppy sounds.

First look we saw this puppy, small adorable, cute
as a bugs ear. There were several puppies in this pen.
This one was crawling up the side of the play pen, as
if to say take me, I love you. Take me home with you,
let me be your puppy.
Instantly we were in love with this puppy. We picked him
up snuggled him and got immediate puppy kisses. This is
the one. Do you want to hold the others? No need, we
want this one.

Annie and I took this tiny little yorkie home. From the
first moment he loved to ride. I snuggled him in a blanket
for the ride home. He settled right in. On the way home we
began looking at bill boards trying to name Annie's new
puppy. On a bill board was Buster. That became his name.

Annie had another dog Sebastian who at that time was 10 years
old. Sebastian took immediately to Buster and vice versa.
Buster was a true joy to be around. Potty trained very easily.
He slept with Annie and I. He followed our every step.

Buster was the most loving dog I had ever had. He understood
english. He understood most everything we said. You didn't
even have to speak words and he knew what was about to happen.
When Buster heard the keyboard drawer close that was an
indication that something was about to happen. My Moms
are doing something or going somewhere. I wonder if I can go too?
If one of us were in the bathroom he was right there.
When he heard the toilet paper he knew Mom was done....Can
we go play now?
Every day he would sit on a chair or on the back of the couch
about 15 minutes before the bus came home waiting on the kids
to get home from school. If Annie was a work all I had to say
was Momma Annie is coming home and he would go and sit by the
door awaiting her arrival to give kisses. Buster loved everyone
and everyone loved him. He was kind, gentle and very sensitive.
He sensed when something was wrong or someone sick or hurt.
Immediately Buster was right there beside them.

Annie and I were out one day running errands, Buster with his
head out the window enjoying the afternoon air. We stopped at
dairy queen for an ice cream cone. Buster got the first lick
of Annie's ice cream. There was a grin on that dogs face from
ear to ear. Moments like that with Annie and Buster were
priceless. I shared my ice cream with Buster as well.
Hey, after all it the same as kisses.........

Yeah, Headache Free

2005-08-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

One of Annie's blog friends said to tell me hello
because I never update my blog. Hello, Nancy...I am
blogging.
Annie is headache free this morning. Medication given
last week preventive for headaches is working.
Thrilled, thrilled, thrilled I am. We had asked her
latest physician for preventive medication multiple
times with no success. He is the same one who was
always backing out the door as he entered. Not once
did he ever touch Annie, listen to her lungs or heart.
Once he touched me with a q-tip....When Annie took me in
with tears with hemorrhoids....He touched my butt
with a q-tip. He did give me a great medication to
reduce swelling. For that I am thankful but, really over
him as our doc.
Ok, back to Annie. She worked all weekend. Yesterday
had a huge ankle and leg from edema. It's better today.
She did have mild headaches over the weekend controllable
with excedrin migraine. Her dizziness is directly related
to her headaches. She has more color in her cheeks....The med
to increase her iron is working.
We came home Sunday night from work to a hot house. AC not working
correctly. I turned it off, let it sit then back on and nothing.
It did not come back on. Not even a read out on the thermostat.
Opened all the windows, turned on all ceiling fans.
Monday am I vacuumed out the water from the over flow pan
and turned AC back on. It worked and was cooling.
For 2 hours it worked.....Damn it. Annie called me as I
was on my way to work....It quit. She called AC repair.
They were scheduled to come on Thursday for maintance,
now they will come this afternoon for repair.
Pump not working....$205 later we have AC again.
Now the maintance will be cancelled as we used the money
yesterday that was to be used for $119 maintance fee.
Sometimes you just can't fit it all in to your budget....
damn it.
Hilary had a really bad afternoon yesterday. When I left
work last night I stopped to buy groceries. She came to the
car to help put them away and dropped a can on her foot,
actually on her toes. Left foot 2nd toe bloody, toe nail
will come off. Excruiating pain, she was in tears.
She has only been back in school 3 days and now is out
today with her foot....It looks horrible as I am sure
it feels the same. Sadly there is little that can be done.
I put some lidocaine topical on it to ease the pain
briefly and gave her a pain pill. Another pill this am.
She loves school and hates to miss a day.

I replied this morning to Annie's blog...Straight life 5.
It's about JPB....SOB that he is.
One day, one day, your time ass hole will come. There will
be a smile across my face on that day. Rarely in my life have
I used the word hate and meant it....but, I hate that damn man.
He is living a miserable pathetic little life.
You reap what you sow!!
You reap what you sow........

Today I Showed My Anger

2005-07-31T22:11:00.000-04:00

It's not often that I have true anger.
When I do it's not often that I show my anger
to anyone.
Today was not the case. Today was a day of
showing my anger.
I have been with Annie here in Georgia since
April 1999. From the very beginning we began
to raise the kids together. I was one of their
Mothers. I became Momma Jan.

Annie and I sat on too many occasions to count
and had talks with John. We talked about him not
doing his best, his need to make better grades,
to learn to do projects with our help. Many things
we discussed over the past 6 years to try and help
John become a man.
Annie gave him an ultimatum about a month ago. John
get a part time job by the day school starts on
August 4th or you have to move out. He agreed to
this. This was in hopes that he would get himself
together and get a job. Over the summer he would
put in one application and sit and wait on that
place to call and offer him a job. John, it does not
work that way....You must put in multiple applications
and then call them to check on your application.
Multiple, Multiple conversations to no avail.

The past few days Annie has been very upset. I have
given my son a time limit to which he has done nothing
about and now I have to kick him out of my house...I can see
that it's killing her, ripping her apart. Just the
thought of putting her (our) son out of our house
is more than either of us can handle right now.

So, today I blew. I yelled, I cursed and screamed at him. I
told him no more coddling. Told him I ( we) have had it. You
do nothing until given an ultimatum.....Then it's last minute
go out and find a job....Do it now before I get kicked out.
I let him know I was finished with these conversations.
We do not want him out of the house until he is ready to
leave and not by force of not being who we know he
can become.
It's time for him to move from his 12 year old self
into his almost 20 year old body. At night when he
goes out with friends until 4am he is a man and somehow
when he returns he again becomes 12.

I feel like this huge failure to him. God, I tried to teach him
things. He knows true love now between his Mother and I as he
had never seen before. John was raised by his Mother to
treat everyone as his equal, no color, taught not to judge,
handicap people are no different, no one is different than you.
You can be whom ever you want, bright, intelligent, handsome...
With the prettiest blue eyes ever.

I hope he gets it....I hope he understands.
We have given our all. It is now up to John!!

Jimmy and Willie........Two

2005-07-21T15:43:00.000-04:00

Today is a day of being thankful.
Thankful for family and friends.
Thankful that Katie is alive and well.
Thankful that the truth came out about
the event of last night.

Also a day of remembrance.
A remembrance of those we love,
past, present and future.

Jimmy and Willie....Two

After many years of every kind of abuse,
my Mom left my dad. She rented a mobile
home. We worked there fixing the place up.
I was in high school, worked and had a car.
My brother and sister had already moved out.
She left for work one morning and I decided not
to attend school that day. I needed a day for me.
I didn't go anywhere or do anything. I stayed there
alone and depressed at our loss. A loss that had
occurred many years prior. A loss of a dad that I
never really knew.
A dad that the world, his friends and everyone but us
thought was a loving, kind, gentle soul. He would
give anyone the shirt off his back if needed.
Anyone but the ones he was supposed to love the most.

After a week of being there while I was at church
one Wednesday night, he showed up. Begging for us to
come home. I will change, I will be a better dad,
better husband. I was 15 confused, terrified and gave in.
I talked my Mom into going back.

Life was better for a short time. Had I only known
all the facts. My Mom hid most of the facts very well.
One night Mom, my sister and I were going out to eat
in a nearby town. On the way we saw my dads car on
the side of the road....state patrol there as well.
Well, nothing good could come out of this.
In the back seat was my dad and a woman. Both drunk,
her kissing all over him.
Mom and my sister refused to go to the car.
The officer said that if we would drive him
home he would not press charges. I agreed.
Now as an adult I wish I had not.

I drove the woman home and then took my
drunk father home. I dumped him off on our
front porch and told him to make his own
way into the house. We then left him there
and continued to dinner.

I believe this is the point when I realized
what this man was and had been doing all
these years. I never helped him get out of the
car drunk again and into the house. If he could
not get in the house he sat outside until sober
enough to do so on his own.

One night he slapped my Mom while I was at home.
She did not say a word. As I got out of my chair
I heard the second slap. I yelled at him to stop
as I made my way into my bedroom and got my softball
bat. I held it high as if to hit a ball and told
him if he hit her again now or ever that I would kill
him. This made him more angry. He got one of his guns
and threatened us. I grabbed Mom and out the door to
a neighbors house...a friend of his.
He went over and calmed him down, took the gun and
all others out of the house.

We did go back later that night. He left to go finish
getting more drunk. Days later he returned and spoke
not a word.

Not long after all the family was home. Parents,
3 kids and my Mom's Mom. Dad decided we all needed
to eat out together. My brother did not want to go.
Dad said you should go son, this will be the last time we
are all together. This turned out to be true.
In January 1979 he died in a car wreck. 4 tenths of
a mile from home. At 2am a knock on the door, my first
words....Well, where is he this time?
Janet, your dad has been killed in a car wreck
just up the road. We wanted to go, tried to go.
No one would let us.

A sadness, a relief. Loss of a dad but, not a
father. Very few times was he actually a
father.

I don't think my Mom knew what to feel or
how to react. She was shocked.

He was driving 90 miles an hour when he wrecked.
This is something he never did. 45 was his top speed.
One car, left the road hit a tiling in front of
his aunts house. The car went 150 feet in one direction
and his body went 150 feet opposite. Very little
blood, hardly any at all. Very odd.
This was a total surprise...he had not been drinking.
No alcohol in his blood.

Ruled an accident by the coroner.

Two weeks later we found out he had told my
aunt her was having chest pain. Now this
explained the lack of blood loss. They
believe he had a massive heart attack. I agree
and think he was trying to get home.
It also explained the desire to eat out with the
entire family. And, his statement this will be the last
time we are all together. 47 years old....death
at his own hands....too damn stubborn to seek
help.

I know this may sound bad but, there was
and is love in my heart for my dad.
There were good times in our family.
Times when at home and sober. We occasionally
saw the kind, gentle man.
He taught me how to fish and hunt.
How to drive and care for a car. He
just never taught me how to care
for another human. Never taught me how
to love, to be a friend, or to be his daughter.

I told him once when he said I would never
amount to anything. One day I will show you,
I will prove you wrong. I hate he did not live long
enough to see. I am sure he knows...I was right.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

2005-07-14T22:37:00.000-04:00

You never know what you are going to get.
That's the same way with the game of life.
One day it's all good, the next it just sucks.
I must say I have had many, many more good
days than bad.
I love life and I love my life. I truly
believe there is a difference in the two.

There are multiple things in which I have to
be grateful for. Not the house, the car, or
any other personal belongings but, the things
in life than make me happy. The things that
make me get out of bed every day.
The things that make me happy to be alive.

Love is first on my list.
The love recieved and given by Annie.
The love recieved and given by our children.
The love recieved and given by our pets.
The love for all of my family.

Friends:
I have some of the best friends ever.
Some I see almost daily, some rarely and some
I have never met. They are all equally important.

Lifestyle:
I would not trade my lifestyle for any other
or with any one. I am in the lifestyle I am
meant to be in and with whom I am meant to be.

Home:
Not a house....but a home. Filled with love,
with excitement, daily happenings. Plain and
simple truth, we are family here....just as
any other.

Work:
Totally enjoy my work and do not want to do anything
else. I have been a nurse since 1983 and have no
desire to do or be anything else. Not saying that some
days it totally sucks but, for the most part it's
wonderful....but only ER please.

Play:
Some of you may find this odd and some may find
it funny. Annie and I love playstation games.
This is how we spend our spare time. It's a great
way to unwind, relax and spend time together.
We laugh, we get angry at the silly game that
sometimes we can not seem to master knowing that
a child would have already blasted through....
We do eventually get there, as we did last night.
We stopped playing last night at 3:00am, a quick mail check
and off to bed. Up to a new day of adventures
in the tribe of us.

The Life and Times

2005-07-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

Whew, where do I start?
First, Annie has a doctors appointment
this week. She has not felt well for quite some
time. Difficulty breathing, swollen feet mostly
the left, chest pain and pressure, tired with no
energy.
I called our doctors office to make her an
appointment with another doctor in the group
as we do not like the one we had been using.
The receptionist informed me we could not
change doctors within the group....what the crap!!
I told her ok I would just get a new doctor and
I hung up the phone...thanks...NOT.
Another doctor highly recommended appointment made
for this week.
We have talked in detail of making changes in
our lives ie. more healthy eating, decrease in
smoking.
My love for her is there always has been and
always will be. I will be here for her through
it all, thick and thin. Through sickness and
health, wealth or poor. We will win....this
too shall pass.
My life with Annie has been good, great in fact.
She showed me what true love really is.
Before her I had never know real love.
We have a family together. Have been accepted
by all in our community. We have the love and
acceptance of many many friends around us.
Then there are the cyber friends...
what can I say. Fantastic people, caring and
showing your love is what you all do best.
Thank you all for your love and support.

I am so worried about her. We have only had
6 years together....not nearly enough.
We are both scared about her health and will
do what's necessary for a more healthy life.

I want to say thank you to everyone that has
commented and sent e-mails for us. It truly
means a great deal to us...to me.
You guys are the best and I love you all.

Another reason for more healthy eating is my
trigercylides and their high number....417 at
last check. For those that do not know the
normal number...they should be less than 150.
Don't fuss, I know and I am working on that number.

Thanks again to you all.

Georgia's Day

2005-06-27T21:25:00.000-04:00

Tuesday June 28 Georgia turns 46 years young.
Happy Birthday My Love.

The years I have spent with you have been
by far the best of my life. I am looking
forward to many more wonderful years with you.
Many more birthdays to share our love together.

June 28 is Georgia's day....
I told her we are leaving our house at noon.
The kids and I have a wonderful afternoon
planned.

Enjoy your day MY LOVE!!
Enjoy your family's love for you.
Happy Birthday to the best woman in the world!!

Family

2005-06-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, I have Jaded to thank for this one....
I copied this from another blog that Jaded had posted.
Thanks for the spark Jaded.

I asked for strength that I might achieve;
He made me weak that I might obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given grace that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I received nothing that I asked for, all that I hoped for.
My prayer was answered, I was most blessed
--Author Unknown. (Quoted in What to Do When You Pray,
by Lucille Walker)

My family is in North Georgia. Annie, John, Katherine
and Hilary. I love them with all I am.
I do have other family in the Carolinas. Sister,
brother, aunts, uncles, cousins,
nieces, one nephew. I love them as well.
I read the above prayer and immediately thought
of my sister.
Her birthday was June 19, same day as fathers day,
her anniversary June 20.
I told myself to call her, I did not.
I do not know why except for the distance
between us...not in miles but within us.

This distance is painful. She and I were close
growing up and closer as adults. We lived
through horrific abuse and remained close.
She moved out from home the same summer she
graduated high school. Worked a full time job,
and put herself through college. She never
returned to our little South Carolina town to
live. She never moved back home.

She married a wonderful man. Had a wonderful daughter.
After multiple miscarriages, heartache, pain they
gave up on having another baby. A year of my sisters life
was spent in a deep depression...I found this out later.
How did I not know?
They began foster parenting.
A six month old beautiful baby girl. One day there
and soon gone, adopted. They got another beautiful
little girl, after several years of foster parenting
her, they adopted her. This beautiful child came with
baggage, a early childhood of abuse. They dealt with
all the baggage beautifully. I do not mean baggage
as a bad term here folks....just a word.
Still today because of her adopted parents she
is a beautiful girl.

When our Mom got sick we were there. Both daughters
by her side through 2 open heart surgeries, only 30
days apart. The night before the first surgery
my sister and I talked with Mom. We told her we loved
her. We thanked her for the morals she gave us.
We thanked her for enduring all the pain and abuse
in her marriage to our father.
We asked what she wanted in case she died during or
after this surgery. It was the hardest thing we
ever said to her. She told us she was scared.
She told us what she wanted to be buried in, the
songs she wanted sung at her funeral....just in case.

That just in case did not happen with this surgery or the
next open heart surgery. But shortly after the
second our Mom died. Just over 2 months after
the second surgery my stepdad found her in the floor
of her living room. My sister and I both talked to
her that night on the phone. She did not feel well.
I offered to go there, it was only 30 minutes away.
She said no, you have to work tomorrow. I had just gone
back to work after being off 7 weeks with her. My
sister and I both were there.
I talked with my sister that night at 10:00pm.
I asked her "What are we going to do with Mom,
she is not getting any better". She nor I could
answer that question.

I still to this day have a guilt of not going
that night. I went to bed exhausted at 12:30
that night with Mom on my mind. The phone rang
at 12:50, my aunt. Shorty my stepdad came in from
work and found Willie in the floor. He called me,
I have called the rescue squad and now you.
My reply was I will meet you at the hospital.
I called my sister and a friend. I did not want
to take that drive alone.
I picked her up and sped to the hospital about 25
miles away. I got there before the ambulance.

The doctor recognized me and asked what I was doing
there. I told her and she asked did I want to be in the
room when Mom arrived. Oh ,yes please that will be
easier than sitting in the waiting room.
This doctor knew me because she had taken care
of my Mom 2 nights prior in the ER.

The ambulance arrived....one quick glance and I
knew. Mom was dead. We worked the code, yes we.
I did CPR, started another IV, gave medications
and watched this doctor drain fluid out of my Mothers
heart. After that I told her to stop. It was over.
She asked are you sure? I want you to know we did all we
could....I know, it's over.

I walked to the waiting room and told my family.
Husband, daughter, sister in law, friend. Willie has died,
she did not make it. I will never forget that feeling.

Back to my sister. We stuck it out together, stayed
close. Together with her husband we did what had
to be done, the arrangements were made.

Many, many tears, and still tears today.
We went through her things, most were
gifts to other people. All got to choose
what they wanted.

A few years after Mom's death, I finally
became the person I was meant to be all my life.
My regret is that she did not know this
before her death. She never got to see my happy.
I went to my sisters house and told her.
She was the first person I told.
Sister I am gay, I am a lesbian.
Shock on her face, love in her words.
You are my sister, I love you that will
never change. Also, she said that she does not
agree with this lifestyle. But, she would
love and support me.

I moved to North Georgia to be with the love
of my life, Annie. My sister and I kept in touch.
She and my closest aunt visited our home in
June of 99. I move here in April of 99.
It was a lovely visit. Enjoyed by all.

The calls decreased, the contact decreased.
I don't know why...still don't know why.
The next time I saw my sister was at
our wedding in September nearly 2 years ago.

We now don't call each other unless something
happens. Why?

I sent her an e-mail this morning. Sparked by
a prayer Jaded posted on a blog comment.

I told her what was in my heart, on my mind.
I told her I love and miss her in my life.

Annie thinks they think it is her fault.
It is not. Annie has done nothing wrong.
It is my sister and I that have not kept
in touch. It is our fault. Annie had told me
many times....Jan, call your sister,
Jan call your aunt.
I have not called. Her birthday was this
past Sunday. I did not call.

I regret not calling. It can not be changed.

Neither of us took the time.
Both of us love each other.

The prayer helped....maybe now
I can and will call.

I love you sis.

Oddities

2005-06-14T23:47:00.000-04:00

I find it odd that every human being is not
treated equally.

I find it odd that the government makes it
their business in how I live my life.

I find it odd that all people male or female
can not legally marry whom they so choose.

I find it odd that all people can not get
spousal benefits from their employers.

I find it odd that America choose our present
President.

I find it odd that America is STILL at war.

I find it odd that billions of tax payers
dollars are being spent needlessly in a
war that should have been over long ago.

I find it odd that the people who have died
in this war DIED for what reason?

I find it odd that a cure for cancer has not
been found.

I find it odd that a cure for HIV and AIDS
has not been found.

I find it odd that a cure for diabetes has not
been found.

I find it odd that a cure for the common cold
has not been found.

I find it odd that a cure for a multitude of
other diseases has not been found.

I find it odd at the cost of medical care
today.

I find it odd that so many people choose not
to work for a living.

I find it odd that the people who choose not
to work want the working people to support them.

I find it odd that the government chooses to
support so many people who choose not to work.

I find it odd that the government expects those
of us who DO work to pay for those who choose
NOT to work.

I find it odd that those who truly need government
assistance have a hard time getting said
assistance.

I find it odd that the elderly who have worked
all their lives struggle to get by.

I find it odd that the government wants to take
away social security benefits.

I find it odd that when we say love...do we
really mean love?

I find it odd that when we say Christian,
do we really mean Christian?

I find it odd that when we say love thy neighbor
as thy self do we?

I find it odd that people can not just get along.

I find it odd that some say one thing then do
another.

I find it odd that my friend can not get her
job back.

I find it odd that people do not believe that
alcoholism is a disease.

I find it odd that child abuse exists.

I find it odd that spousal abuse exists.

I find it odd that abuse exists at all.

I find it odd that my SPOUSE could love
my oddities.

I FIND IT ODD........

777

2005-06-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

The number just a minute ago on my counter
was 777. What a great number....the best ever.
Ok now no one go to my blog or you will be
responsible for ruining my number....oh
wait if you are reading this you have already
changed my wonderful 777 numbers.

It's ok...just thought I would throw out
a little humor....weird as it may be...LOL

Jimmy and Willie

2005-06-06T02:25:00.000-04:00

Jimmy and Willie are my parents names.
Married in September 1956. I guess they
loved each other at that time. Why else
would 2 people get married...yes, yes,
I know baby on the way but, that was not
the case. She was not pregnant when they
got married. My father Jimmy (James)
drank heavily before the marriage. This
continued after the marriage. I still
don't understand why she married him.
I did ask her that very question once and
her reply was I thought I could get him to
quit. Ok Mama was my reply.

Mama that's what we called my Mom. My 2
siblings and I...it was Mama.

Nine months after marriage my sister came
along. Mom got pregnant on their honeymoon.

My dad was in the navy. I do not remember
the details of why he got out of the navy.
After he was out he worked about 25 miles
from home at the "bleachery". He rode to work
with 2 other men. One day when either going or
coming while a front seat passenger and saw
they were about to wreck he braced his knees
on the dash. This impacted the rest of his
life. His knees forced his hips backwards,
crushing both hips. He would never be the
same again. Was told he may never walk or
work again.

This happened before I was born.

Surgery and a long hospitilization later...
he walked with crutches. Always those damn
crutches. As a result he drank and drank.
Unable to work....unheard of to get disability.
That took 2 years.

My Mom worked full time, took care of a baby
girl. I don't know if my brother was around
as yet. Took care of our house and all of
his needs. His bed was in our living room...
a hospital bed for quite some time.

I was born in 1960 at our closest hospital
about 20 miles from our home. Thankfully
the doctor that delivered me allowed people
to pay him in ways other than money.
Dr. Griggs was his name. I know that people
often gave him chickens, eggs and gosh knows
what else for medical services payment.

Doc Griggs was an honest man, a kind man and
a friend to all he cared for.

The first memory of my daddy, I believe I was
about five years old. He picked me up and put
my face under the kitchen sink, face up water on.
I remember hearing my Mama scream at him. Still to
this day I do not know WHY?? Other than he was drunk.
Why would a dad do this to his own child?

My Grandmother (dads Mom) died when I was 7 years old.
There were wonderful memories tied that sweet kind
woman, my Grandma Ethel. She lived next door to us.
Mama, Grandma Ethel me and my 2 siblings went
to our baptist church every Sunday. Grandma did not
drive. She rode with us to church to the grocery
store. Mama took her every where she need to go.
Her husband my Grandfather died before my
parents were married.

In may of 1967 Grandma Ethel died. Brain tumor.
I will never forget the Sunday morning we went
to pick her up for church and she came out dressed
in work clothes...a dress and bonnet with a hoe
in her hand. She was going to work in her flowers.
She did not know it was Sunday although Mama
talked with her the day before and said she would
pick her up the next morning for church.
I think all of our hearts sank that Sunday
morning. My sister Leigh talked about this
with me as an adult and she being older
remembered some other things Grandma had been
doing that was off kilter.

They found a brain tumor. When I don't know
or how long she lived after I don't remember.

I do remember than when she died my daddy may
as well have died with her. He made our life a
living hell after that. With his drinking it was not
wonderful anyway. Mama did the best she could.

It took me many years into my adult life to
fully realize just how abusive that man really
was. He beat my Mother, he beat all 3 of his
children. I don't mean spank....beatings and
always when he was sober with the exception
of the sink at 5 years old.

Christmas after Grandma died...Nonexistent.
Well ok it did exist. The first year after she
died at Christmas all 3 of us got a new pair
of PJ's and one hundred dollars each.
I was 8 years old...did not know what one
hundred dollars was let alone what to do with it.
Damn you man, I wanted toys. My very own toys.
Not ones that was handed down from siblings...
new toys to call my very own.

The only good thing I remember this man (daddy)
doing for me was having a pond built. That was
fantastic. The many hours I spent there were
better than heaven to me as a kid. It was
my escape, my out. Time alone with out him there...
no beatings just fishing...alone me myself and I.

More to come...just later....

Odd Numbers

2005-06-03T01:57:00.000-04:00

Okay call me weird. But I have this thing
with odd numbers. Don't like even numbers
and refuse to use them. If you will notice
the times on all ( what few of them their are)
my blogs...they are odd numbers and always will
be.
It took Annie about 5 years to notice I count
to seven with my fingers. Repeatedly count
to SEVEN. She ask me one day what I was doing?
I am counting of course...to 7. What are
you talking about? I count to seven with
my fingers, like a drummer drums.
I also count to seven with my teeth.
It drives her nuts.

As we sit on the couch watching a movie
or driving in the car my fingers are
moving in rhythm counting to seven.
Any and every variation that you can
reach seven.

If there is an even number I find a way
to make it odd...Now this really drives
her nuts. Lets say there are 6 cars in
a row....then it's 7 because it's all one
group of cars...you see 6+1=7.
Same if it were 8...8+1=9
A car tag with numbers that add up to
26...well that's easy. It's 26 and one
complete number...26+1 of course=27
and so on and so forth.

Am I driving you nuts yet???

I have done this for as many years as
I can remember....odd numbers good...
even numbers bad.

I had to use one even number once and
hated it....the number 8 was my medic
number when I worked EMS. It changed from
13 to 8 when I became assistant supervisor.
I asked, I begged to keep 13.
No, you can't keep 13. All supervisors
and administration have number 8 or less.
truly broke my heart.
I even tried to trade with someone else
for an odd number....boss would not let me
do that either. It would be too confusing
for everyone to change the numbers. He
did ask me one day what I had against
the number 8...it's even. SO?....
So, what it's even and I don't do even.
He just laughed and told me to go away.

I still don't do even. After all these years,
after all those numbers. Odd it is and must be.

Yes, go ahead....call me weird. Everyone else
does. It's ok I like weird too.

Acording to my computer clock this post
was completed at 10:56....changed.

Why Nursing???

2005-06-01T14:33:00.000-04:00

I graduated from high school in Small town South Carolina
in 1978. Average student, could have been better...with a
little application of my brain. I mostly just wanted out.

My first job after high school was at a yarn mill...second
shift and I hated every minute of it. Although it did pay
fairly well, it was production and I could not get my
hands to move fast enough to suit my coworker.
This lady had been there for over 20 years and made
yarn extremely fast....My job was to wrap paper bands
around the yarn and box it up....boring yes, I know.

This comes back around to softball...see it was summer
and I played ball. Second shift does not go hand in hand
with playing ball. I had another job lined up for first shift
starting on Monday. Now it's Thursday and I have a
ballgame. I asked to get off early and was met with a NO.
Well ok then could you get that woman off my back.
She keeps telling me I am making her lose money.
My supervisor stated he could not do anything about
that....ok fine then I QUIT. You can't quit....
Oh but, yes I can and I just did.

It was payday so I asked for my check....Again, you
can't just quit. Yep can and did....got my check and
off to the ball field.

On Monday I started my new job....I was a service girl.
Not that kind of service....It was a sewing plant and I
gave the women that did the sewing their work.
I hated that job as well...but hey it was first shift.

After about 2 years of this A guy that knew my Mother
asked if I would be interested in helping him in his
business....he was a plumber. Yeah, cool this sounds
more interesting than what I was currently doing.

So off I go to learn hands on how to be a plumber.
You just would not believe the things I got myself into.
That in itself is another blog.

I was a plumbers assistant for about 2 years. One day a
lady at church...one of those southern baptist small
town churches ask me. Do you want to take the
entrance test for nursing school? Yeah, sure when
is it. Tomorrow she stated. Wow that soon...

I took the day off and drove with this lady the 25
miles. We both took the test. She passed and I
failed.....I got up the courage to take it again...
This time I passed.

We got into the same class together. It was
15 weeks of classroom then morning class and
afternoon clinicals. One full year of school.

Now the lady from small town church....well
after a few weeks she quit. Not me...onward I
go.

My instructor was a sister to one the doctors
at our small town hospital 25 miles from my home.
She was the most strict woman I had ever met.
Starched white dress, boobs that stood at
attention, nursing cap on her head even in the
classroom.

When it came time for clinicals, she told everyone
they had to wear dresses, white nursing shoes and
the CAP. Ok I can deal with everything except the
dress. I know previous students wore pants.

Mrs. Matthews, I don't want to wear a dress. I
would rather wear pants. Well then young lady,
you can't participate in clinicals. Ok well then,
I guess I will just have to quit. You would quit
because of a dress....Well yes Ma'am I would.
I know that others have worn pants and thats
what I want. She finally gave in and I got the
dreaded white and light blue pin striped pants.
Along with the same hat.

Mrs. Mathews made me do everything first.
She could be described as a bear. I succeeded
at doing it first. I made my way...Proved that
I could to everything she dished out.

One day I was making my patients bed, you know
the hospital corners....we did not have fitted
sheets. My instructor came in to check the bed and
said nothing just ripped the sheets off said...do
it again. I did without saying a word. She again
ripped the sheets off and said do it again.
All this in front of the patient who was sitting
in the chair. I asked her to step outside into the
hallway for a word.
I got up the courage to say...Mrs. Matthews
there was nothing wrong with that bed either
time that you ripped off the sheets. I will not
make that bed again. If you want it made then
you make it. She looked at me shaking in my
shoes and said.....fine Ms Hicks...I will
make it. Good job...The bed both times did
look great. This was a test to see how many times
you would do it before saying anything to me.
You passed. Oh great....now may I go to the
restroom and clean out my underpants...please.

It was quite an adventure, fun often times, always
hard. Great people as classmates. There were 8
that actually finished out of ten. All 8 of us
passed boards. At last count only 2 of us were
actually working in nursing but, that was about
10 years ago.

Much has been learned over the past 23 years.
Many heartfelt hugs and tears by patients and
families. Sometimes tears caused by doctors...
a lot of whom can be jerks, many very kind.
It's all been good....great. I love what I do, it's
who I am....helping others, It's being me.

On a side note Annie added my favorite blogs
to my side bar. If you aren't listed and would
like to be....send me a note and I will
have her do it for me...I am not computer savvy.

Everyone have a great day.

Graduation Party At Our House

2005-05-28T00:57:00.000-04:00

It's party time. Katie has officially graduated from
High School. Our house is full of teenagers, some of
which are just like Katie.....no longer in high school...
they are 2005 graduates.

Laughter, music, a movie playing....it's all good.

I made an announcement that anyone who was or will
be drinking would not be driving if and when they left.
Party on.....but absolutely no drinking and driving
from this house.

Annie and I have to be at work in the morning at 7am.
Not much sleep happening here tonight.

Pizza arrived a few minutes ago....we were starving.
Most times on party days we forget to eat...or just
don't have the time.

Graduation was wonderful....packed
Can you believe it....Annie didn't even cry....

Our Katie, all grown up. Beautiful, intelligent,
an amazing woman and person.

Katherine, your Moms are proud of you.

Life As A Child

2005-05-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

Every child has hopes and dreams....one day I want to be
kind of thing. I wanted to be a ball player...softball.
I began playing softball with our baptist church at
eight years old. I lived ,ate and slept softball.
Every opportunity I was playing ball.

We didn't have a field to practice on....So, we made one.
It was on one side of our cow pasture. Every practice
we closed off that side of the pasture to the cows
and played ball. Several kids, several ladies
in their 30's and some in their 40's. My sister and I
played.

Now mind you, this was a fresh cow pasture....
Our pitcher was probably in her 40's, short,
petite lady....I remember her being very
funny, great sense of humor...this came in
handy one Sunday afternoon.

We took turns at bat...I don't remember who
was at bat on this given day....What I do
remember was someone hitting a line
drive right at the pitcher...toward the
ground....SPLAT right in a cow patty.
Now for those of you that are not
countrified....that's cow manure ok ( shit)

It was all over her face, her clothes....we laughed
for what seemed like forever....peed our pants.
The pitcher laughed right with us....then walked
away to our house washed her self off with the
water hose and was back in 5 minutes flat.....
Let's play ball she said....that brought back laughter.
Just the thought of a 40'ish woman with cow shit
everywhere...now soaking wet saying PLAY BALL.

That was our first year...We did not win a game.
Yet, still we had a blast....our coach was not as
happy with us....but we had a blast.
We did get better the next year...and became good.

We did get a real practice field after the first 2 years
of the cow pasture.

After a few years I began to play with other churches
in tournaments. Then played open league and traveled
every weekend playing softball. I thought I could make
a career out of this...just playing ball and having great fun.

During high school I only got to to play my senior year.
We went to finals and lost our last game before going
to state.

I did continue to play on tournaments and church
leagues. Then began to play industrial leagues.
Off every weekend to some new place to play
ball. Suntan, dripping sweat...I loved every
minute of it.

I took my ball playing serious after the first few years.
If I was playing I was playing to win...having fun in
the process.

I played co-ed on our EMS team. Most of the time those
guys were drunk by the time they got on the
ballfield. OK easier to beat....strict rule with us...
Alcohol only after ball is over for the day.
That's the only time I ever liked beer...
after a long hot day on the ball field.

As I got older and while working as a paramedic
I gained weight...which slowed me down.
I was good...just much slower.
My shoulder started to hurt every time I played.
Finally went to orthopedic doctor....I had messed
up my rotator cuff. I always believed hit as hard as
you can into a hole and throw just as hard.

Give 100% or give nothing. Finally came to the
realization that I could not give 100%...
so I gave nothing.
I did play a few times after that when they were
in a jam...and paid for the pain after.

Today if my shoulder would let me I would still
be playing softball. It was my life from 8 years
old until I was 38....

Softball and fishing what could be better.

Still to this day I enjoy softball....just now
as an observer. It's the greatest game ever.

The Day We Met

2005-05-18T14:21:00.000-04:00

A beautiful warm sunny February day. Nice day for a drive.
It's valentine's weekend....February 1999. I left my South
Carolina home around 10:00am for the 5 1/2 hour drive.

It was a meeting of women on an e-mail list that Annie
owned. She invited these wonderful ladies to her home.
I was included.

Annie and I met on line. I had just come out of the closet.
Searching was what I was doing.....looking, wanting
answers to questions I did not even know what the
questions were.

I found those answers through a kind gentle space and
a kind gentle woman. The space....Womens Space..
the woman....Annie. She offered me assistance.
Provided answers, information was her highway.
I was new not only to computers but to being a
lesbian.....

I originally bought a computer to fill empty space.
My Mom had recently died...I didn't know what to
do with myself. I had withdrawn from friends and
family. I was depressed.

This machine.....the computer opened up a new
world for me. I found people who felt as I felt.
People who believe as I believe. Normal everyday
people with the same hurts, same cares, same
worries, and same desires as me.

I found womens space.....a wondeful group of women.
Owned and operated by Annie. She kept everyone in
line. No offensive words about list members....kindness
please. Well, I was offensive to someone. Don't
remember to whom or about what now. Annie set me
straight....thankfully she didn't boot me from the list.

I e-mailed an apology to her and asked for her phone
number. That began a friendship.

I was invited to a womens space gathering. Hence my
5 1/2 drive from South Carolina to Georgia on a beautiful
sunny warm February day. Friday February 13 no less.

I have always liked the number 13....and today would
be no exception.....

As I arrived on her street....fourth house on the left....
I saw this mountain of a sloped driveway....no fear
here. I turned right into that sloped driveway.
Sunglasses on, sunroof open.

The first thing I saw was Annie sitting on her front
porch rocking. What a wonderful sight....what a
beautiful person. I got out of my car...walked
up that hugh sloped driveway...she stood up...
walked to the porch and said....
" Well Jan Hicks"
I said
" Well Annie Burke"

We still say that to each other over 6 years later.
I walked into her house with the smell of pound cake.
It was still in the oven. We began talking...her
kids arrived home from school...she introduced me.

She asked me if I would watch the cake in the oven....
she had an errand she had to run....Sure I can do that.

That afternoon was wonderful...she was wonderful.
I felt comfortable.

The other guests started to arrive. Some that afternoon
some the next day on Saturday....But, not before
a tour of her lovely immiculate home.

We went out onto the deck off the kitchen...
she leaned over and kissed me....it was returned.

It was truely a wonderful weekend. Getting to know
a little of Annie and other guests. And letting her get
to know a little of me....

I visited often in the next 2 months...with each visit
I brought more of me into her home.

On april 16...we brought all of me into her home...
soon to become OUR HOME and OUR FAMILY.

At Home

2005-05-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

I'm at home and feeling ok although not ready for a jig yet.
Well, actually I don't jig anyway.

Thanks all you blog friends for the well wishes.
You guys are great.

To those that called me today and checked on
me....thank you. It means a lot to me.

Thank you Annie for being my personal nurse
and the hugs were welcome too.
I sure hope I am finished causing you stress
and worry.

Sorry for the short post but,
I am off to the couch.

Whew....The Weekend Is Over

2005-05-15T23:51:00.000-04:00

I realize that most people are not as excited that the weekend
is over as I. You see, I work on weekends, every weekend.
It begins on Friday 7am and ends Sunday 7pm. 12 hours
for 3 days....sometimes 4 days.
This Friday my weekend began in our little ER busy as usual.
This one was different....I was in pain, gallbladder pain
and nausea....all day.
Annie and I came home at 7:30pm, checked ours and
other blogs, checked mail and ate dinner. All was well.
We were about ready for bed...about 9:15 I began with
a sharp stabbing pain in my left lower abdomen...It
was breath taking, excruciating. Nothing would stop it.
Tried lying down....big mistake. Annie says I was on
all fours rocking on the bed....couldn't be still.

I had no clue what this pain was. Tried getting up and
walking....no relief, back to bed. Annie says....
Do you want me to take you to the hospital????
Yes, yes, yes...oh please...I think I am dying
here.

Now I know she is driving fast....it just seemed like
it was 10 miles per hour. On the way I began also
to hurt in my back....light bulb came on.
I have a kidney stone....oh shit it hurts and
hurts. Can someone make this scorching
knife in my side and back stop.

At the ER 2 needle sticks for an IV....and
what seemed like an eternity later...meds.
Sweet wonderful pain and nausea relieving
meds. Whew...I feel better.

Now after some IV fluids I have to give urine.

Doctor comes back in about 12:15am....
Surprise, surprise he said you have a kidney
stone....OK, I'll give you more pain medicine,
drink lots of fluids....he said oh, you know the
routine....prescription written for pain.

Annie signed the papers and out the door
we went....me wobbling while walking.

Thanks Annie, I think you saved my life.
I was surely going to die from pain.
To bed at 1am and back to work on Saturday
at 7am.....it's the weekend.

Needless to say Annie and I both felt like crap
all day Saturday.....
Darn headaches and sleepies for Annie
Darn stones kidney and gallbladder and sleepies for me

It's Sunday night..our weekend is over.

Gallbladder out in the am....

Life is good...ok...better than Friday night.

Gone Fishing

2005-05-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

My favorite past time growing up was fishing.
I could spend hours at our pond. It did not matter if
I caught a fish or not. Fishing was my escape, my out.
It allowed me peace.

I was raised in a small South Carolina town on 20 acres
of land. My dad had a pond dug when I was very young.
No fishing allowed for about 5 years...the fish had to grow.
I fished and fished and fished.

After all the chores were done....feeding the cows, gardening.
And, I do mean garden.....one acre of it. 100 tomato plants,
enough corn when pulled filled the bed of a pick up truck.
Another acre of six week peas...the good part of the peas
was that my 2 siblings and I got to keep the profit from selling
them.

After all this was done it was off to the pond for me. Fishing was
my thing....neither my brother nor sister enjoyed fishing. I was alone,
me, the pond and the fish.

After my dad died my Mom and I fished often. She loved it as well.
Our little dog often went with us....she just sat in the boat
and enjoyed the ride.

Many, many fish were cleaned and eaten....bass and bream...yum.

After my Mom died in 1997, my stepdad continued to live in the house.
By this time I had moved out but, only lived 30 minutes away.
So, still much time was spent fishing.

There were many great times at that pond with my Mom.
She was my best friend and fishing buddy.

Annie the kids and I went fishing there one day.
Annie never got to meet my Mom...I regret this.
They would have gotten along well...a Mother in law
so to speak.

Any way, back to fishing.....
Annie and I got into the boat....it's a 12 foot heavy
aluminum boat. We paddled around the pond...
me fishin, Annie watching, enjoying the smile on
my face. She does not like to fish. It was a time of
remembrance. Stories of the great times my
Mom and I had at that place.
A place I now shared with the love of my life, Annie.

I was proud to be able to share those memories
with her, as she was to hear and see them.

Of the 3 kids John was the only one that got into the
boat with us....didn't last long. He wanted out. Off to
the bank we went. I think they spent their time exploring
more than fishing. It was their first fishing trip. I loved
watching them....The facial grimaces when watching me
put a worm on the hook. Katie...ooohhhh that poor worm.
Hilary...oooooohhhhhhh nasty. John just watched.

Annie sat in the boat with me...enjoying her surroundings.
We were at peace....together.

My First

2005-05-11T14:47:00.000-04:00

I am not a writer. Never have been never will.
Words do not come to me easily. But, here goes.

I am a nurse, deputy coroner and paramedic.
I live in North Georgia and moved here in April 1999.
My love Annie and I met on the internet just over 6 years ago.
She is my heart, my other half, my best friend, my spouse,
my lover.

I moved to North Georgia from a small town in South
Carolina.

My work is in the medical field. Twenty three years
as a nurse. Eighteen of those ER. I was a paramedic
in South Carolina. I worked full time ER part time
EMS or vice versa for 10 years.

The love of excitement has keep me in the ER. Helping
people is what I do best. I am good at it and it is good for me.

I no longer work as a paramedic and haven't since moving
to Georgia. Tired of being up all night, working 24 hour shifts,
bad back are a few reasons I no longer work EMS.

I do miss EMS sometimes. Miss being in the streets making
decisions.

My life here in North Georgia could not be better.
A wonderful spouse, 3 great kids, 3 great dogs and
1 ok cat. It's a good thing our yard is not fenced in...
it would be full of animals...The dog kind.

Great friendships have been made here. Thanks you guys.
I love you all.

Being 350 miles away from family and friends is hard.
I don't stay in contact as often as I should.
My fault...Not theirs. I do miss and love them.
Hopefully this summer we can visit.

My home now is in Georgia........Love the area,
love the friends, love the family, love my work.

I am also a deputy coroner for our county.
A co-worker asked me 4 years ago if I wanted to be
deputy coroner. Well, heck yeah....right after I talk
with Annie. It was off to school to learn the Georgia law.
We are required to have 24 hours annual training, which
Annie and I also turn into a vacation.

A lot of being a deputy coroner is sad. Loss of life is always sad.
Watching family and friends grieve is sad. I believe I do make a
difference in their lives. I am sorry for your loss is usually the
first thing I say after introducing myself.
I do this to make a difference, to ease pain.
To help loved ones with the death process.
Another part of it is investigation. Love this part.
Dead people do talk...just not in words.

Ok, enough....but, first let me explain the name
Jan/Fred.....
Jan is my name. Fred is a name that Annie and I call
each other. It's another way of saying I l0ve you.
I use Fred at work too. Some days there are 3 Jans.
It's easier and less confusing to be called Fred.
It's funny to have patients ask me about Fred.
Is your name Jan or Fred. Well it's both...Use either.